


Daffodil and Anemone

by RainbowBear



Series: Blood Stained Flowers [1]
Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Feels, Anxiety, Bisexual Male Character, Blood and Gore, Curses, Depression, Drinking, Gay Male Character, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Non-Graphic Smut, Possible Character Death, Unrequited Love, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-06
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-04-19 09:27:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14234277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainbowBear/pseuds/RainbowBear
Summary: Dan was never good at taking care of himself. So it was no surprise to anyone, when he started coughing and his throat became sore. He himself thought it was just another short throat problem.That was until blood and flowers started showing.Suddenly, Dan found himself slowly dying, because he fell in love with Kyle.





	1. Flower Petals

Dan was never good at taking care of himself. His diet wasn’t great, he slept for too few hours a day and he never liked visiting any kind of a doctor. Of course things got better when the band became well-known and new tours appeared in their schedule. Other people cared about him so he could be able to actually sing on stage. He himself didn’t want to disappoint anyone, so he wasn’t complaining. 

However, everyone in the band knew that he still wasn’t taking good care of himself. He often had sore throat, was tired or sick. So it wasn’t a surprise when he fell ill again. It was some kind of a throat problem, that he assumed came from singing too much. He found himself coughing more and more over the past week. Then sore throat joined the action and he was honestly worried about upcoming concert. 

The tour was still running, so he just wanted to keep singing as long as he could. The slow speed of tour bus helped him to think. So he was thinking about his illness, the whole tour and how annoying his feelings were lately. He really wanted to sleep, so maybe it could help him to feel better, but he just couldn’t. Dan was laying in his bunk, listening to the voices of his friends talking during the ride. He smiled a little every time he heard Kyle’s laugh.

He coughed and changed position. Something was hurting his throat. It ached from the inside, but he got used to it over the last week. He tried not to think about it, but it made many things more difficult.

“Dan?” He heard Will’s voice coming from the entrance and immediately looked in his direction. “Oh, good, you’re not asleep.”

“Something happened?” Dan raised an eyebrow and brushed his hair back with his fingers.

“No, I just wanted to check if you took your medicines.”

Dan had a feeling that taking those medicines was pointless from the beginning. They didn’t even know what was wrong with his health. It was just to try if they maybe would help. Yes, they always helped a little bit but didn’t change that he was still sick.

“No, I didn’t.”

“I thought you would say that,” Will snorted and threw a pack of medicines at Dan.

“Thanks,” vocalist smiled and shortly after took tablets with some water from the bottle that was standing near. 

“And I wanted to let you know that we will stop by the gas station in like a half an hour. Do you want me to wake you up then?”

“Nah, I don’t really think I will fall asleep,” he said, standing up. He started coughing forcefully and Will pated him on the back. “You sure you will be able to sing?”

“Have a trust in me, mate,” Dan answered, like he was sure of his capabilities, but the state of his voice was saying otherwise. Will looked at him concerned, but turned around without a comment. Dan followed him to their bus kitchen, which shouldn’t even be named that way. It was simply place to make hot drinks and quick dishes.

Kyle was already there, looking up something to eat in the small fridge. He looked at Dan with a smile and said “Sleeping Beauty is awake.” Dan just rolled his eyes and keyboardist laughed, “Do you want some tea?”

“Yes, please,” he answered, sitting on the chair and looking at Kyle. Man walked through the kitchen to get some cups and Dan watched him lazy.

His feelings toward Kyle were complicated lately. He had crushes and one-night stands before, but he never actually loved anyone. He was sure that actually changed a while ago. Dan loved Kyle, the romantic kind of way. Of course they were friends for a long time but this one trip changed everything.

But this didn’t actually matter. Even though he couldn’t stop looking at Kyle and imagining him in different situations, he wasn’t going to tell him that. The band knew he was gay, but he wouldn’t compose something like ‘hey, I like guys’ to ‘I love you and want to grow old with you and kiss you every minute’. The entire crew was okay with Dan being gay, but something like that could actually destroy the whole band. He couldn’t let it happen.

“Dan, are you with us?” Kyle’s voice crushed his thoughts and suddenly there was a hand waving right in front of his eyes. He flinched and Kyle backed up his hand, “You’re okay?”

He wiped his eyes and murmured, “Yeah, just tired.” Keyboardist looked at him worried, but put the cup with hot tea in front of a singer. Dan smiled, “Thank you,” and Kyle winked at him with a smile and sat on the opposite side of the table, while Will left the kitchen. They started talking and, oh God, how Dan loved listening to Kyle’s voice, laugh and looking at how excited he was about certain things. They talked about tour, Dan’s sick throat, fans and Kyle even mentioned his girlfriend.

He felt like cough left him for a long moment, but then it was striking back. Like something was moving in his throat, hurting its sides. Dan knew about how anxiety creates a false feeling of something blocking one’s throat, so he was sure he was just overthinking it. It was just a sore throat, nothing worse.

He started coughing without any control and Kyle rushed to pat him on the back. But the attack didn’t stop for a long time and keyboardist didn’t actually know how else he could help.

When Dan finally stopped flinching and coughing, his friend looked at him with a surprised look, “Seriously, man, you have to see the doctor after tomorrows gig.”

“Yeah, I really have to…” his voice was changed due to the sickness and he covered it up with the last sip of a tea. He didn’t want to go to the doctor, but he was running out of options. Medicines were making everything easier, but they surely weren’t stopping his illness from getting worse and worse.

“Hey, guys,” suddenly there was Woody at the doorway, “we’re stopping at the gas station and I’m going to get some snacks. Anyone wants to go with me?

“I volunteer,” Dan said shortly after getting a cough attack again.

“Awesome. Just please, don’t choke on our way there,” drummer laughed shortly.

“I’ll try not to, but it can be hard,” Dan answered after finally regaining control of his voice.

The bus stopped a few minutes later and Kyle and some of other people went cigarette. Dan and Woody then left the tour bus and headed right to the shop.

“How is Christina?” Dan didn’t want to talk only about his sickness with everyone, so he thought that finding a subject in Woody’s wife could be a good idea. But then Woody winced and he didn’t know if it was one after all.

“Fine. She’s okay, but…” he fixed hat on his head, “you see, I like being on tours, but this one is a very long one. We both just wish we could like actually see each other.”

“Aw, man, it’s almost over.”

“I know, but it’s just too long. Yeah, parties were great and all, but just look at yourself. You can barely talk!”

“At least I sound like Batman.”

“No, you don’t. You sound like a cigarettes addicted squirrel. Like a high-pitched version of Kyle.”

“Fuck off,” Smith said, but honestly it made him laugh.

They entered the shop and started looking for some snacks. While they were looking from one shelf to another, Dan found himself yet again coughing uncontrolled. He covered his mouth with a hand and backed up a little. The pain of coughing was too much for him. He couldn’t stop. When the attack finally ended, he looked at his hand, just to find a few strains of blood on it. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Was he so badly sick? In what kind of state was his throat anyway? For fuck’s sake, he just coughed up blood!

“Dan?” Woody leaned out of the next aisle and vocalist instantly closed his hand. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” he found his voice being very rough and coughed up to fix it a little bit, “I’ll just go use a toilet, okay?”

“Sure, mate, I will be waiting on the outside.”

Smith rushed to the bathroom and was very relieved to see that there was no one there. He stood above lavatory and let another cough attack control him. After few seconds of uncontrolled rasping, he finally calmed himself and looked at the lavatory. 

There was blood. More than Dan thought there would be. It wasn’t very bad, but it was rather bothering to see blood coming out of his own mouth. But the blood wasn’t the thing that terrified him the most.

There was a flower.

He had to blink several times, because he thought he was imagining it. But the plant was still there. It was an entirely yellow flower with a single central canonical shaped thing surrounded by the yellow petals. Well, Dan certainly wasn’t a florist, but he was sure he saw this flower in people’s gardens.

Gardens. Not his fucking mouth.

It was impossible that it actually came from there. But he couldn’t find another explanation. Lavatory was clean when he entered the toilet and there certainly wasn’t any kind of a plant in it. Yellow flower was covered with little strains of blood and that meant something.

Dan was panicking, he was sure of it. What did that mean? Why flower? He looked in the mirror to find that his lips and teeth were slightly covered in blood. He opened his mouth wider to see if he could notice anything about his throat. He moved his tongue to get a better angle only to find a glimpse of something weird in the mirror. There was a thing in the back of his oral cavity, just at the beginning of his throat.  
He honestly thought it was a part of his body, like swelling or something. It was red and pressed to the side of his throat. The light was too weak to see the thing clearly so he reached to it, clearly disgusted. No, it wasn’t part of his body, which he discovered when he pulled it off without any problem.

It was another flower.

This one was small and red. Its center was black and was surrounded by the little circle of white color. But the rest of the flower was completely red, which was only tightened by few blood strains.  
There were flowers in his body.

Actual fucking flowers.

Now he was sure it was true and he definitely didn’t put them there himself. And it felt too real to be some kind of a hallucination. Maybe it was prank? But not really, he didn’t believe anyone would come up with something like this. He felt panic overtaking him when he suddenly heard knocking on the toilet’s door. He jumped and looked around. How long was he there?

“Dan?” it was Woody’s voice. Smith quickly put both flowers into his pocket and washed blood from his face, hands and lavatory. He then opened the door, afterwards putting his hands into the pockets.

“Dude, I thought something happened.”

“No, everything is cool,” he was lying, but how would he tell him the truth? He was sure it wasn’t a normal thing. Actually, he was still questioning if he didn’t lose his mind. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, Woody, stop stressing yourself out,” Dan smiled awkwardly and passed his friend, “Come on, we can’t let them drive away without us.” Not like they of course would, but he wanted to rush to the bus as quick as he could. He took some bags from Woody and went outside. 

Drummer resisted the urge to ask another questions and went after vocalist. Dan was trembling but he did his best to hide it from his friend. Maybe it was all just a very long, complex and weird dream? What else could it be?

Everyone was back in the bus. It was already a late evening when they left the gas station. Dan immediately rushed to his bunk and closed it. He grabbed phone and got flowers from the pocket.  
He looked up many sites to find anything about what was wrong with him. Honestly, he thought that it was some kind of a dream. It was so unrealistic. He thought he won’t find anything, but to his surprise, he actually did.

Hanahaki. That was the name of a disease. Something like that actually existed and sites mentioning it were weirder and weirder from each other. Like they were mentioning something straight out of a fantasy book. 

Hanahaki was caused by the reaction brain creates when person is in love with someone and is sure about how unrequited their feelings were. The chemicals caused the flowers to appear in person respiratory system and an upper part of a digestive system. It was explained with many details, but Dan didn’t actually understand a lot of it. He got that normally people were immune to Hanahaki, but some kind of a rare genetic defect destroys that immunity and person can fall sick on it.  
It was bizarre for him. He was born without the defense for something extraordinary like this.

There was another thing that caught his eyes. Something that he understood without any problem.

Deadly. Hanahaki disease was highly deadly.

He was dying, because he was in love. And he knew who he had feelings for. He was dying due to him falling in love with Kyle.

Trying to distract his mind from the sickness itself, he looked at flowers that he earlier put on his pillow. He searched though the list of bouquet, garden and other popular flowers. After researching for some time, he finally found their names. Yellow one that he knew from people’s gardens was named daffodil and the red one was type of an anemone. 

But he didn’t know what he could do with this information. He decided to read more about the whole subject. While he was trying to write things on keyboard with his shaky hands, there was a knock on his bunk. He almost jumped. Those knocks will finally give him a heart attack.

He threw flowers under the pillow and switched off phone. He coughed and opened the entrance. There was standing Charlie with a huge scarf and worried look on his face.

“Yes?” Dan raised his eyebrow.

“Sorry for barging in. I didn’t know how to help you out with your throat so I… got you my warmest scarf? That’s stupid, I know, but maybe it will somehow help.”

“You’re giving me your scarf?”

“Now that you say it, it’s really stupid,” Charlie stroked his hair with his hand and looked the other way.

“No, no, it’s really nice,” Dan answered with a smile and took the shawl from Charlie’s hands and put it on the bed. “Thanks, Charlie.”

“No problem,” man smiled and coughed up. “Guys want to watch some film. You feeling well enough to join us?” 

Dan sighed and looked at his pillow. The whole disease thing was bothering, but he had time. Well, that’s what the little research he made told him. Besides, he couldn’t act weird. He didn’t want anyone to find out about the whole thing before concert tomorrow.  
Moreover, he really needed to free his mind just a little bit. He couldn’t let his mind be centered only on the whole Hanahaki thing. He looked at Charlie. “Yeah, sure. Just give me a second.”

“Sure,” Charlie smiled happily and walked away. Dan looked after him and considered it for a second. Won’t sitting near Kyle only make everything worse? Well, he really needed one, actually entertaining evening. With a short sigh, he stepped out of his bunk, coughed a few times and looked in the direction Cherlie went. Well, he had to try. They will probably drink some beer and spent half of the night watching dumb films, but spending time with his friends would be fun.

Dan took his warm blanket and followed Charlie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my first language, so I apologise for any mistakes and poor writing style. Still, I thought that writing fanfiction would be the best way to improve. Let me know about any mistakes!
> 
> More tags will be added later.  
> I want to make this story eight chapters long, but I don't know myself if I will fit in that lenght.
> 
> Please, leave kudos and comments! ^^


	2. Flowers in the Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is determined to sing at least one last gig before telling the others about his disease.

He wasn't sure how he got there. 

Everything in his mind was foggy, but he honestly wasn't complaining. Not, since his lips were pressed gently to Kyle's. He had no idea how things ended up this way. He recalled watching film with the group, talking and drinking, but nothing more. Maybe it was because of those beers? But he drank only two of them. Will didn't let him have more, because of his illness. Well, it didn't matter anymore, since he was making out with his biggest crush. 

He didn't know, nor care, where the rest of the group was. Kyle's body was pressing him into the bathroom's wall, that was the most important thing. Kyle's right hand was brushing lovingly through Dan's hair, and his left hand was moving on his chest, like it was trying to find the perfect spot. Even one of his legs was placed between Dan's, as to give him better access. The singer's arms were resting on other man's hips, because he wasn't sure what to do, at all. He wasn't prepared for this. He wasn't prepared for the feeling of Kyle's lips travelling on his neck, sucking and kissing. He wasn't prepared for Kyle’s fingers, massaging his head. He wasn't prepared for Kyle's moans and quite words, mumbling in his ears like a chant. How did this even happen? 

Dan said something, but he wasn't sure what himself. He was just looking at the ceiling or the man before him, too confused to do anything else. Finally, Kyle left his neck and looked Smith in the eyes. 

„Fuck, you're so gorgeous,” he heard Kyle saying, but his words were quiet and somehow distant. Dan just smiled and leaned closer to another man, who clearly understood the move and pressed their lips together. 

He wanted it so badly for so long. He moaned in the kiss, trying to get the most of it. Dan pressed himself closer to Kyle, enjoying the touch and the movement of man's hands. The kiss lasted for so long, Dan felt himself drowning in it. It was so nice and so loving. He couldn't let himself leave Simmons’ mouth. The other man's moan weren't helping him either. 

Dan parted his lips more, wanting to deepen the kiss. Kyle smirked shortly and used the new opportunity. The men’s lips were pressed against each other stronger than ever before. Dan wanted to moan again, when suddenly Kyle lips left his own and man himself stepped back. He was covering his mouth with his hand. Smith needed a moment to put his shit together, because the whole thing was confusing enough before they parted. Finally noticing that his lips were free again, he looked amazed at his friend. 

„Kyle?” he only managed to say man's name. He moved his own hand to mouth and brushed his lips. Moving it and looking down at it, he saw a blood. 

„What the fuck?” he heard Kyle's words and looked at him panicked. Keyboardist moved his hand. There was blood and flower petal on it. It was yellow, the one Smith saw before. Daffodil from his throat. Kyle's lips were covered in blood too. He looked at Dan, clearly angry and confused. „Dan?” 

His voice was quiet, or it only felt that way for Dan. He looked at Kyle, too flustered to move or say anything. When he finally tried to say something, his words were crushed by the sudden cough attack. One after another, the coughs were getting more powerful and painful. Kyle looked at him, clearly scared, and moved his hands to help Dan. Then he stopped and looked terrified at Dan's chest. The singer weakly followed his eyes, only to see his shirt covered in blood. He quickly took it off and threw on the floor, only to reveal big cuts and wounds covering his chest and getting bigger and bigger with more blood dripping out of them. Dan felt his breath being taken away. He couldn’t say anything, breathe or move a hand. He just watched as wounds kept getting bigger and pain became more and more overpowering. Finally, flowers started showing. Daffodils and anemones started growing out of between his ribs and flesh, cutting their ways out of his lungs. He heard Kyle's scream and felt his hands on his shoulders. Other man was saying something to him, but he didn't hear him, focusing only on the new, sudden tension hurting him from the inside of his throat. 

When he felt himself coughing again, he woke up.

He sat up with a harsh breath and looked around him. He was lying on the couch, the film was still playing, but there was no one actually watching it. There were some empty beer bottles on the floor. He moved his head, only to find that he was resting it on Kyle’s shoulder while sleeping. Keyboardist was asleep. He snored lightly at Dan’s sudden movement. He knitted his brows and moved a little, but didn’t wake up. How he ended up falling asleep on Kyle? Was he really that stupid?

He looked around, trying to understand what was happening. He saw Will resting on the armchair near them, but other people were nowhere to be found. He himself was covered with the same blanket he brought before. It was really late, but Dan wasn’t sure about the exact hour. Why he even woke up?

The memories of his dream came back to him, as he felt sick again. It was a nightmare, a terrible one to add up. He covered his hand, when he felt something weird growing in his stomach. He looked at Kyle with wide open eyes, and the feelings, pain and panic he felt during that dream came back to him, attacking his mind like a fucking wave. Dan felt sick, so much sick. He quickly stood up, dropping his blanket and run towards the bathroom. He didn’t even care that he almost fell when he stumbled on Will’s feet. 

Dan rushed to the bathroom, and when he finally reached it, he closed the door. He didn’t even care about locking it, the feeling was so overpowering. Soon he found himself kneeling in front of a toilet seat, vomiting in it. He felt so weak, he was trembling, and the sound of vomits coming out of his mouth weren’t helping. He didn’t know for how long he was kneeling like that, but when he finally felt like the whole pain left him, he opened his eyes.

Vomits mostly consisted of beer and digestive juices, because he didn’t eat anything after small dinner. But one look at the gross liquid and he felt like his heart stopped. Vomits were colored red, because of blood in it. Yeah, he should be suspecting it, but it was still shocking, since he mostly just woke up. Little drops of blood and petals of flowers covered the base of a toilet seat.

Hanahaki not only created flowers in his lungs, it appeared to create ones in an upper part of his digestive system as well.  
Well, he read about it, so he shouldn’t be so surprised.

He pressed his forehead on the seat and sighed loudly. He tried to calm himself down by breathing strongly, but pain in his throat made it really hard to achieve. He coughed few times and closed his eyes. What the hell was he supposed to do? If cough and sore throat weren’t enough, he was now vomiting.

“What the fuck?” he heard someone voice and opened his eyes immediately. He raised his head quickly and turned it to door, only to find Will there, looking at him terrified. With panic, he urgently started cleaning toilet seat from blood and flowers with his bare hands, only covering them in red liquid.

“Dan, what the hell?!” Will rushed to him, but he was too focused on covering flowers. He couldn’t find out. He wasn’t supposed to know. No one was supposed to. Unfortunately, he wasn’t quick enough. Will gripped his hands and pulled them up. He looked in the toilet, even when Dan tried to break free from his grip. 

Guitarist opened his eyes wider and let go of Dan. Will quickly looked to the door, gripped some toilet paper and started cleaning what was left of blood on the seat.

While Dan was looking at him silently and confused, he glanced at him angrily, “What are you doing? Lock the door and clean your hands and face, you moron!” Smith flinched and quickly obeyed older man’s words.

Soon, the bathroom was clean from blood and flowers. Will flushed the toilet and sighed loudly, while Dan was looking at him, still confused. He himself turned off the water and wiped his hands that were clean now. He was still trembling, not knowing what to expect from guitarist. He straightened up, when Will looked at him, clearly angry.

“Why you didn’t tell me? Did you tell anyone, actually?” Man finally spoke and Dan placed his hands on lavatory, like he was trying to escape man’s glare.

“Huh?” he only answered, not sure what else he could say.

“Dan, don’t play stupid. Did you tell anyone about those flowers?”

“What? No, of course I didn’t!”

“And why didn’t you, for fucks sake?!” Will closed the toilet seat and sat on it, looking at Dan’s eyes, clearly envious, “You’re fucking dying!” 

“Stop yelling!” Dan finally said, with more confidence than before. He looked at Will, now angry himself. Two angry men sitting in a small bathroom, talking about deadly disease. This wasn’t how he expected this night to go. Will sighed and looked at the wall.

“When did flower show up?” 

“Yesterday, why?” He knitted his brows, not understanding the reason behind the question.

“And you’re already vomiting?” Guitarist clearly looked shocked. He cringed and mumbled. “Why is it so quick?”

“What?” Dan thought that he didn’t understand Will correctly. Quick? He wasn’t sure himself how this whole disease should last. How could Will know anything about it? “You mean… You know about Hanahaki?”

“Yeah, Dan, I know about Hanahaki,” Will answered, looking at Dan like he was dumb. “But that’s not important now. Why didn’t you talk to us about it? If flowers showed up yesterday, you should immediately tell us about them. You need to see a doctor, for fucks sake.” Now he sounded like he was more sad and concerned, than actually angry.

“I wanted to wait. Will, listen, I didn’t know what to do.” Dan looked at his hands. They were still shaking. He felt weak, maybe because of vomiting, maybe because of this whole conversation. “I wanted to tell you all after the gig.”

“There’s no going to be any gig, Dan.” Will shook his head and stood up. Dan straightened up himself, clearly confused.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re not supposed to sing in this condition! Fuck, you’re not supposed to do anything other than staying in the hospital!” Guitarist was moving his hands quickly, like he was trying to show with movement what he really meant.

“Wait, no! I can sing!” Dan grabbed him by his shoulders, but coughed rapidly, like his throat really wanted to show him that it wasn’t truth. “At least this one gig, please. I can’t tell the others now.”

“The concert is today, Dan. What is wrong with telling them few hours earlier?”

“Please, Will,” Dan murmured and placed his forehead on his friend’s shoulder. He was breathing loudly and heavily. Guitarist knew that he was panicking, he saw it before. So he just put his hands on Dan’s shoulders, trying to help anyway he could. “It’ll make everything easier. Please, Will, just this one concert.” He looked him in the eyes, like he was confessing from something. “I need it.”

Will immediately looked in different direction. He sighed and moved his arms away from Dan’s shoulders. Then one of his hands moved to his own face and brushed it, as he sighed again. He looked like he was in front of a very big decision. “You know this is stupid, right?”

“Yeah, I know.” Dan smiled sadly, but continued. “But I really need it.”

“Okay, fine.” Will looked back at him, his brows still knitted. “Let it be your way.”

Dan smiled and hugged him forcefully, for someone who has just been vomiting for so long, of course. Will wanted to say something, but was interfered by another one of Dan’s cough attacks. He helped him, by patting him on the back.

“If you really need this concert so much, you need to go to bed now. I will wake Kyle, so we all can have some decent rest.”

“Right, okay.” Dan answered, when he finally ended coughing.

“And you will tell the rest about this whole thing after the concert. I will look after it myself, for fucks sake.”

“I will, don’t worry so much.”

“You’re dying. There's not something as worrying too much right now.” Will sighed, but patted Dan on the shoulder. “Go to sleep, mate.”

“Okay.” Dan unlocked the door and walked from the bathroom, leaving older man alone. He only heard Will sighing again, when he was leaving. He headed to his bunk, passing near Kyle. He looked at the man, but walked away anyway.

. . .

He didn’t eat much during the whole day, too afraid of vomiting again. Even his dinner was really small. Others were clearly worried about him, but he just said that he’s stressed out because of the concert. It wasn’t hard to believe, since he was easily stressed by anything and his friends knew that. But know, just before the actual performance, he wished, he had eaten something better than some soup. 

He brushed his face in Charlie’s scarf, when he coughed again. He really had to wash this thing later. Everyone was getting ready for the concert, fans were gathering for a very long time now, but he was just sitting in the backstage and grabbing his stomach with every wave of pain. He wasn’t sure if it was caused by the hunger or disease.

“You okay, mate?” Charlie appeared next to him, holding his guitar ready. 

“Yeah, well, no.” He said, smiling sadly and coughed few times. “But I will make it today, I promise.”

“Well you don’t sound like you will.” Charlie laughed shortly. Dan, hearing it, coughed a little to fix his own voice. Charlie looked away, a little embarrassed. “Sorry. But hey, I’m happy you’re wearing my scarf. Glad I could somehow help.”

“It’s really warm. Thank you.” Smith smiled at man.

“Glad to hear it.” Charlie grabbed his guitar and stood it up. “You’re really feeling good enough?”

“I think?” Dan shrugged his shoulders and smiled. “I have to give it a chance.”

“Yeah, I guess… But you will see the doctor after the whole thing, right?”

Dan looked at the floor, knitting his brows. He had to talk to them after the concert. He really enjoyed this day and dinner with the rest, but the time has come. It was so stressing, though. He really wished he could just keep it a secret, but now Will knew about the whole thing, so it wasn’t possible anymore. But he had to think about the concert first. He had to sing, even with the cough.

“Yeah, I will…” he answered, still not looking at his friend.

Charlie clearly wanted to say something, but was interrupted by Kyle, who walked fast to them and almost yelled, “Sorry to interrupt flirting,” He winked at them, which only made Dan look the other way, “but we have to go. The show is about to start.”

“I’m crossing my fingers for you, mate.” Charlie patted Dan on the shoulder, smiling.

“You better not. You’ll need them.” Singer laughed shortly, but he had another cough attack. Charlie went away, but Kyle looked at his friend.

“Well, I can only wish you luck with that cough.” He said, sitting next to him.

“Thanks, I’ll probably need it.” Dan laughed, but then was again interrupted by his cough.

“You have some water there, right?”

“Yeah, sure I have. I can sing, don’t worry.”

“I’m not worried about your singing, I’m worried about you, Dan.”

Smith finally looked at him, his face partly covered by the scarf. Kyle really looked concerned about him. He really cared about him, and it was clear as day. But he didn’t care about him the way he wanted him too.

Dan forced himself to smile. “I’m fine, Kyle. I really am.” No, he wasn’t. Not with him sitting next to him.

“Then we really should get going, don’t you think?” Simmons smiled, apparently not seeing through his lie. He stood up and reached his hand to Dan. Man took it without hesitation and let himself be helped to stand up by Kyle.

“Yeah.” He patted him on the back and went to the stage with him.

The concert itself went pretty natural. Crowd was obviously cheering the whole time and Dan understood why. Everyone did great job with playing they parts.  
Well, everyone, except for him. 

He was coughing during songs. He needed to drink water from this God forbidden bottle so many times, that someone had to bring him another one. His voice was shaking and sounds he was making were obviously far from perfect, he wouldn’t even name them singing. Fans clearly saw this, and he just wished that nobody really cared. Maybe they will complain that his live singing is worse than the one on recordings, but he just wanted this whole concert to end. He just wanted the ground to open up and swallow him. 

Still, the cough was getting worse and worse with every song. Rest of the band was giving him worried looks, but what he was supposed to do? He couldn’t just end the gig in a half of it. He tried to fix his voice by drinking water or making short breaks between songs, but nothing was working. Maybe it was because of how close Kyle was to him during the whole thing? It would explain why it was getting worse and worse with each passing minute.

He even found himself leaving vocal parts for Charlie for time to time, when he really couldn’t breathe properly. It was very obvious to him that not only fans, but Charlie himself, were really confused by it.  
But there was one song that he wanted so badly to sing himself. Since he knew himself why and for whom he wrote it.

“The Anchor.” He said, and the crowd cheered, hearing those words. He looked at the rest of the band and cringed, but they only gave him smiles and Charlie even cheered him up a little with thumbs up.

Instruments started playing, and he breathed hardly. He coughed up a little just before starting his part. He looked in the crowd with serious face. He meant those lyrics so much. He remembered when he wrote them. Clearly his feelings for Kyle only grew up since then.

Yes, he coughed during this song too. He had to drink water more times that he wanted to admit. But he was determined to finish this song so badly. It was his own little goal.

“All the time, all the time  
I think of you all the time”

He sang those lyrics for the second time in this song, when something in him just snapped. His throat started hurting again, but it wasn’t like before. It was so, oh, so much worse. There was this wrong feeling in his lungs. He suddenly stopped singing and folded, placing hand on his chest. He started coughing rapidly and couldn’t stop.

Suddenly the crowd went silent and the rest of the band stopped playing one by one. Everyone was looking at him. He felt like he was about to have panic attack, but something else was odd.

“Fuck” He heard Will saying to his microphone and then he realized that he was kneeling on stage, coughing roughly, face turned to the floor. He was trying to breath, but something didn't let him do it. He knew it was flowers, but he couldn't let anyone else find about them.

Kyle rushed to him, everyone gathered around him.

“Dan, what's happening?” Kyle was speaking to him, but he couldn't reply. One of Dan's hands was holding his own chest, the other one was placed on his throat. He was making weird noises, not able to even cough now. He felt himself going very weak, due to the fact that he couldn't breathe properly.

“Someone, call the paramedics!” Kyle yelled to guys in the back and he heard fans panicking, but he didn't care. Everything was getting darker before his eyes. He had to do something. He couldn't just pass out on stage.

Again, something snapped in his body, this time centered in his stomach, and he opened his eyes wide open. He moved his head, bowed it and suddenly he was vomiting on the floor, still holding his own throat. He was shaking, only barely noticing that Kyle was holding him now. Liquid was leaving his body, clearing his throat and revealing the whole truth for everyone.

Vomits were colored by blood. There were flowers in it.

Crowd became very loud again, but he couldn’t concentrate on it. He couldn't think straight about anything, as he was still shaking and vomiting, clearly leaving Charlie's scarf dirty. Someone was screaming in the back, someone was running to help him, but the only thing that he could see were red and yellow flowers covering the red liquid.

“What the hell?” he heard Kyle's voice, as he was so close to him. Dan leaned his body and pressed his shoulder to man's chest, still trembling. He made a weak and high-pitched noise, while looking at daffodils and anemones. He felt Kyle hugging him and heard some girls screaming because of it. People were taking pictures, many sudden flashes hurt his eyes. He felt Kyle's arms tightening around him.

He knew his friend only wanted to help him, but he was only making everything worse.

He couldn’t concentrate on anything, as his mind was foggy and he still had strong problems with breathing, but he was fully aware when someone stood him up and he was basically carried away from stage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is kind of messy, but I liked it soo...
> 
> Please, leave kudos and comments! :>


	3. One month

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan wakes up in the hospital after the accident on the stage.

He was feeling dizzy and couldn't quite concentrate on anything around him. He knew he was carried away from stage just a while ago. Lack of oxygen in his body made him very weak and he couldn't remember any detail from the time after the accident. Just blurry images and meaningless words, coming to him as through the water.

When he finally recovered his consciousness, he found himself lying in the hospital bed. Well, he thought it was a hospital. He was lying under a white sheet, his left arm lying on it with something attached to it. With confusion he realized it was a drip with a transparent liquid in it. Getting used to the place around him, he finally got that the oxygen mask was helping him to breathe. Well, that was weird. He was sure he wasn't out for so long. 

Looking around, he didn't find anyone. There was just a bunch of empty paper cups standing on a moving table.

He didn’t move the mask, feeling that he really needed it to breathe. But he sat up, pushing cushion away. He moved his hands to his eyes, rubbing them slightly.

So he had a couch attack during the gig. Even worse, he showed his flowers to the whole world. Everyone now knew that he was sick. He felt his throat sore, so he reached for the bottle of water standing on a nightstand. He suddenly felt pain in his chest, so reaching over it with his hand, he accidentally knocked over the bottle, causing it to fall on the ground and roll over under his bed. He sighed. Was he really that big of a failure?

As he tried to sit on a side of a bed to reach for the water, the door opened and Will came in. Dan looked at him, surprised. Guitarist was holding another paper cup and he was closing the door, when he finally looked in Dan's direction. He blinked and said, rather calmly. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“Uhhh, my water fell over?” he said, his voice shaking because of emotions and oxygen mask. Will sighed and walked over to his bed. “Stay in bed,” he only said and reached under the furniture. Dan obligated and after few seconds Will handed him the bottle. Dan put the mask down and took few gulps, feeling his throat finally becoming clearer. Later, he put the mask back on his face.

Will was sitting on the chair near him, quiet the whole time. Finally, he spoke, surprisingly calm “They all knew now, Dan. Not only the band but anyone who read news, you know?”

“Yeah, I thought so” He said, reaching over to his phone that was lying on the night stand. To his surprise, Will grabbed his hand and put it back on the bed. “You really don't want to read about it.” Dan didn’t say anything, but looked worried at his phone and then at Will. After a long moment of silent, his shaking voice finally came to Will's ears. “Is it that bad?”

“Yeah, it is. There are a lot of… various comments. It’s better if you don't read it for now.” Will fixed his hair with his fingers and drank some of his coffee from the paper cup. “I told you that waiting was a bad idea.”

He knew that subject would finally come out. Dan looked at the window and replied only after a long moment. “I know, it was a mistake. One of many of them, I suppose.”

Will wanted to say something, but door opened once again, revealing the figures of other band members. They were talking quietly. After few steps they noticed that Dan was conscious and suddenly he was surrounded by his friends. They sounded angry, worried and sad, all those emotions mixed together. He answered as best as he could. They asked mostly about his health.

“Why didn't you tell us?!” Kyle asked the question and suddenly the whole room went silent. Woody and Charlie looked at Kyle, and then at Dan. Will just sat still, hand on his forehead. Kyle was clearly angry. His knuckles were basically white, as he was holding bed’s front. The silent was so unnatural, the only sound being Dan’s oxygen mask.

“Oh, doctor said I should tell him after you wake up.” Woody said, clearly trying to run away from this situation, and left the room. Dan didn’t want to answer Kyle’s questions, so he decided to leave it be. He turned his face to Charlie. “How long was I out?”

“Luckily, just one night. Doctor said you were exhausted because of the sickness. They gave you something to help with those… things, and said that the effect of it would make you sleep for some time.” Charlie answered, trying not to look at still angry Kyle. He sat on a chair near Will’s, leaving Kyle as the only one standing.

“Were you guys here all night? Did you even sleep?” Dan asked, but Kyle groaned. “How does it even matter?!” He looked at Dan and walked few steps. “Why didn’t you tell us?! Why it was so hard to-“

“Kyle, calm down!” Will finally looked up, moving his hand from his forehead.

“No, I won’t calm down! He didn’t tell us he was dying! Fucking dying! How I can be calm now?!” He looked at Will, but quickly turned to Dan. “Why?! Just give me one reason.” 

Dan saw, that both Charlie and Will looked away. Clearly, they were thinking about the same thing as Kyle. Even if Will knew about it the day before, he never learned why Dan was hiding it from the rest. Even if others weren’t as stubborn as Kyle, they clearly wanted answers as well. But he couldn’t tell them. For him, it was obvious. If he had told them, they would finally realize it’s all because of Kyle. He wouldn’t let that happen.

“Kyle, I…” He started, but started coughing. Attack was short, but when it was finally over, he realized that inside of his oxygen mask was covered in few flower petals. He sighed and cleared them, aware that his friends were watching him. Will looked away, like he didn’t want to have anything to do with it. Dan put the mask back on and continued, like nothing happened, while Charlie and Kyle were looking at him, amused. “I just couldn’t, Kyle. It was the end of the tour. I thought I would talk to you after it ends. I even considered telling you about it after yesterday’s gig, but, well, you see why I couldn’t.” He fixed his hair with his fingers.

“So you didn’t tell us you were dying because you wanted to sing?” 

“No, it’s not like that, Kyle. Look, I know that I’m dying. But it’s not a normal sickness, and you know it.”

“Yeah, doctor told us all about it.”

“So you know I’m dying… because I’m in love. Would you really talk to anyone about something like that? Hell, when I first time read about it, I was sure it was just a huge joke!”

“But it’s not just anyone! It’s us, Dan!” Kyle straightened up and covered his eyes with his hand. “You should have fucking trusted us!” He groaned for the last time and left the room, slamming the door behind him.

The room went silent again, when Dan started thinking about the whole thing. Kyle was mad at him. Well, he wasn’t surprised. But still, he was annoyed himself. First the sickness and now the cause of it was mad at him. He felt his throat aching again, when he started coughing. Then the pain in the stomach joined the action. He took off the mask and moved his hand to show the rest that he needed help. Charlie quickly got up and rushed to him with a bowl. Dan moved his head over it and suddenly he was throwing up the mixture of digestive juice, blood and flowers. Charlie held the bowl, but looked away. When Dan finally ended throwing up, Will handed him paper towels. He started clearing his face, when doctor and Woody came in.

“Oh, good, it seems the flowers are leaving your throat.” The doctor said, walking up to his bed. “I’m Doctor Eric Baker and I was assigned to your condition.” The man had blonde hair and brown eyes. He was clearly after his forty birthday, but he seemed rather young for his age. “I suppose you know what causing your sickness, don’t you?

“Yeah, I’m aware of that,” he answered, finishing cleaning his face.

“Good, so you did your homework, Mister Smith. Hanahaki is a disease hard to understand. Although we know what stands behind it, we still can’t find a good cure for it. There are some options, but there are rather few. Making choice between them is a very big decision and we can’t begin healing without your permission.”

“And what are my options?” Dan asked.

“There are three ways to cure Hanahaki. You could make the person you’re in love fall for you as well. You could stop making any interactions with them and try to stop thinking about them, but this way was found… not very good for most people. The main method is a surgery that would clear the flowers from your body completely, but leaving you without feelings for the person. And there are some other bad side effects, but it’s the best way for healing this sickness.” He stopped, and looked at all four men in the room, one by one. Then, he turned to Dan. “I know it’s a very hard choice, Mister Smith. This is why for now, I threatened you with a medicine, that can’t stop flowers completely, but it clears them from your throat. It can’t stop the Hanahaki, but it can give you more time.”

“And how much time do I have?” He felt his face turning white. He gulped, not really wanting to know the answer.

“Your case of this sickness is very… quick and sudden, Mister Smith. If you’d come to us for the medicine once in three days, because we can’t give it to you more often, I could say you have one month. It depends on how often you would interact with the person that caused the Hanahaki to appear, but I would give you a month.” He clearly looked sorry. Even if his tone was very professional, he was clearly touched by the whole thing.

Dan found himself lying more into the bed. He sighed loudly. Month. He had only one month to live. And it’s only if he was about to visit the hospital every third day. He saw guys getting worried. Will covered his face with his hands again. Charlie stood up and walked to the window. Woody was talking loudly with the doctor. Dan though that doctor probably didn’t tell them about the time he had left, wanting to wait for him to wake up. 

There were tears in his eyes, he realized after a moment. He quickly covered his eyes with his hands. He started sobbing quietly, shaking uncontrollably. One month. He wasn’t ready to die. No in such a short time. If he won’t do anything, he will finally choke to death. Month was not enough for him. The room was silent, he didn’t hear anything other than doctor’s words. “We want to hold you in the hospital for this day, but you’re free to go in the evening, Mister Smith. Good luck with making the decision.” Then he walked away, living men to talk about the whole thing privately.

Will placed his hand on Dan’s shoulder, trying to comfort him. Singer was still crying, covering his eyes with his hands. He couldn’t calm down, it was too much. 

“I’m going to look where Kyle went,” Charlie said, and left the room in hurry. Woody looked after him and turned to Dan. He was clearly thinking about something, but couldn’t say anything, seeing Dan in a state he was. However, after a moment of silent, he finally said what was on his mind. “Dan, you should tell us who is it. Who’s the person you love. Maybe then, we could help.”

“I can’t,” He shook his head, pressing himself to Will, who offered help. Older man looked at Woody with his brows knitted. Dan was still crying, but he continued talking. “I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?”

“I just can’t.”

“Dan, this is serious.”

“I know, for fucks sake!” He turned to him, still pressed to Will. “I’m the one dying here!” He added and started crying loudly again. Will and Woody looked at each other, but turned to Dan, as he spoke again. “Just… Let me think about it, okay? I need some time… Just, please, don’t leave.” He looked as his friends and they nodded.

“We won’t.”

…

Kyle was nervously smoking a cigarettes outside, walking on the pavement. His mind was full of different thoughts, but he tried to concentrate on the cigarette, to stop all his emotions. This was all too much for him. His best friend was dying and he didn’t even inform them about it. He heard his phone’s ring, picked it up and saw his girlfriend’s name on the screen. He sighed, but answered anyway.

“Hey, babes.”

“Is that true? The thing the news is talking about?” He heard her voice.

“Yeah, it is,” He answered, standing up, like trying to think about something. What he was supposed to say?

“Do you know who…?”

“No, I don’t.” He wanted to add something, but heard quick footsteps behind him. He turned around to see Charlie walking toward him, clearly angry. “Look, babes, I call you back later. Bye.” He didn’t wait for her to reply, hanging up. 

“Kyle, you fucking cunt!” Charlie yelled at him. It wasn’t ordinary for him to speak this angry, but then again, it wasn’t an ordinary situation. “How could you act that way?” The younger man stopped in front of him.

“Don’t act like you’re not angry, Charlie!” Simmons yelled, throwing the rest of a cigarette on the ground and crushing it with his feet. “I know it’s not his fault, but he should have told us about it!”

“He’s dying, Kyle! Maybe he just didn’t want to think about it? How could we know how he feels now?!” Singer answered, speaking just as loudly as Kyle. 

“It doesn’t matter! He should’ve trusted us!” Simmons spoke louder than before, and Charlie went silent. 

“Well, he has one month left to live, so you better stop acting like a bitch, Simmons,” Charlie knitted his brows. Kyle felt his muscles loosing up, when he looked confused at Charlie. He felt like someone just pit a giant rock on his shoulders. 

“One month?”

“Yes and you’re not going to spend this time being mad at him!” There were tears in Charlie’s eyes, he noticed them just now. He felt his own heart being shattered into thousands pieces. His best friend was dying, but not only that, he had less than a month to live. He couldn’t imagine worse scenario. Who was responsible for this whole Hanahaki disease, anyway?!

“I… I’ll be back later.” He said and turned around, walking away from the hospital.

“You’re not going to run away, Kyle!”

“I just need some time. I’ll be back later.” He turned his head to Charlie, showing him his face covered in tears. Barnes didn’t say anything anymore and let him walk away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rather boring and short, but I needed to write it anyway, so here you are! Oh, and the story might be longer than I previously thought, just letting you know.
> 
> I want to include romantic subplot in later chapters. I came up with two ideas, but couldn't decide and even asking my friends about it didn't help. So I wanted to ask you guys, what would you prefer:
> 
> Dan/Charlie or Original Male Character/Dan, as a subplot.
> 
> I'm basically ready for both of those otpions, but I wanted you to decide!  
> Let me know what you think in comments!


	4. Drinking in the pub

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The whole band ends up drinking in the pub.

Dan spent rest of the day in hospital, talking to everyone who visited him or called him. Will was still very strict about him not looking up news, but other than that, his friends were a great support. Even talking with Dick was better with them. Obviously, he was angry at Dan for not telling anyone about his disease, but at the same time he was openly sad about the whole situation. Privately, Dan and Will decided to hide the fact that Will knew about the thing earlier. They didn’t want to anger anyone even more, especially since Kyle still didn’t return to the hospital. They both thought it would be a bad idea to hit them with information like this.

He was lying in his bed after his dinner, when Kyle finally returned. There was no one in there, since the rest of the band was eating their dinner out. Dan was peacefully reading book, when doors opened suddenly and Simmons walked into the room, slamming them behind. Dan flinched and looked at him with amusement. Kyle didn’t say anything, brought one of the chairs and sat on it near Dan’s bed.

“So, I was thinking,” Kyle started.

“Took you long enough,” Dan answered, putting his book aside. He clearly looked and sounded hurt by Kyle’s previous words.

“Look, I’m… I’m sorry,” Kyle tried again. He inhaled, and continued. “I really am. Even if I’m still angry at you for not telling us about it, I shouldn’t have busted out like this.”

“Kyle, I really couldn’t tell you earlier…”

“No, you could,” Keyboardist knitted his brows. “But I understand. And I’m trying to not be angry. After all, you have this disease and… and it’s killing you. And I can’t be mad at you now, Dan. I… I can’t just…” His voice became trembling and he put his face in his hands, putting elbows on Dan’s bed. He was trembling and few sniffles let Dan know, that he was crying. Dan hugged him, now sniffing himself.

“You know, you don’t have to act kindly just because I’m dying,” He laughed sadly and so did Kyle.

“No, I was a jerk. But I want to fix that,” He said, sitting up and brushing his cheeks. “I hope they let you drink alcohol in here,” he smiled, as he reached to his backpack to reveal a bottle of fine wine. 

“Kyle, I don’t know if I should.”

“I think we both need to drown our sorrows, Smith,” Kyle said and Dan sighed, but actually agreed. Kyle reached for two empty paper cups and filled them with wine. He handed one of them to Dan, who at the time was coughing uncontrollably. They made a small toast and started drinking.

After more than two hours, they were both quite dizzy, but neither one of them was actually drunk. Just some alcohol to loosen up their tongues and clear the air between them. 

“So, I thought,” Kyle started and Dan listened to him, while coughing himself. “That the person who did this to you is a total dipshit.”

“Oh, you don’t even know,” Dan laughs between his coughs. Being near Kyle only made everything worse, especially during their long conversations like that one. But he didn’t care, as long as he could talk to him and laugh with him. He would be choking and he would still prefer seeing Kyle smile than getting any actual oxygen.

“Man, who is that? I can kick his ass, so he could love you back, or something.”

“Good luck with that,” Dan answered and drank some wine. After that, he continued. “I’m not going to tell you, Kyle. Not for now, at least.”

“Okay, okay,” Kyle fixed his hair with his fingers. There’s a moment of silent, but then he continues, more silently than before. “What do you want to do with this month?”

“Well, I’ll try to make a decision, since I have so many good options.” He rolled his eyes and drank.

“Yeah, what are those? Making him love you back, leaving him, surgery or bloody dying. What do you think about it?”

“Well, you know, surgery sounds the best, but I really love him…” He looked away, but didn’t stop. “I don’t want those feelings to just… disappear.” He couldn’t image living without him loving Kyle. Since his feelings for his friends appeared, they played a big role in his everyday life. He wasn’t ready to just throw it away. Especially with so many possible side effects of the surgery. “I don’t know, man, this is all fucked up.”

“Yeah, it is. Flowers in lungs, this is insane. Something so beautiful becoming something so deadly.”

“Oh, do you want to write a song about it, Simmons?” Dan laughed and coughed.

“I’m not the best at it and you know it, Smith,” He replied with laugh. He drank again and then door opened and the rest of the band joined them, only to see Dan basically coughing and laughing himself to death.

Surprisingly enough, Dan and Kyle spend so much time talking, that it was already time for Dan to leave the hospital. The whole group then went to the pub, all wanting to just drink their thoughts. They did they best to not be recognized and actually appeared in pub incognito, to their own relief. After all, the whole Hanahaki thing was now very well-known. Not that Dan knew any details, since no one let him check it up.

Since their last gig took place in London, they didn’t have to choose some random place. They decided to go to one of Dan’s favorite pubs, to his own delight. The doctor didn’t say anything about him not being supposed to drink alcohol, so he planned to get drunk. Dying was as good occasion to do it as any other.

So the whole group drunk, like there was no tomorrow. Dan even wondered, if he could spend every day this way, since he had so little time left. It let him forget about everything and concentrate on his friends and having fun. Well, it could, if it wasn’t for the fact that Kyle was there the whole time. This way he ended up coughing the whole time and throwing up three times, not only because he drunk so much. Even though he drank the most of them all. The rest of the band clearly saw how bad he felt, but everyone thought it was his own decision to drink in his state. Will said something few times, but since he was drinking himself, he couldn’t really complain. Woody was the most responsible one this evening. He drunk some bear himself, but tried to stay as sober as he could to watch over the rest of the band.

Dan wasn’t sure how and why he did it, but after two hours of uninterrupted drinking, he found himself sitting on a sidewalk in front of the pub. He was slowly breathing. Maybe he just wanted a moment to think? Maybe he just needed to breathe? Maybe he couldn’t bear coughing in front of Kyle anymore? He wasn’t sure himself, but there he was, sitting, and starring at the sky, even if he knew it was impossible to see any star in London’s sky.

He took another sip of his beer, when he heard doors opening. Someone sat next to him with a short huff, and Dan looked at him, clearly not very sober. It was Woody, who said something under his breath, but Dan didn’t understand what.

“Why’re ya out?” Dan asked and coughed, leaving few blood stains on pavement. He didn’t even look at them, too focused on his bottle. Woody clearly saw blood and sighed.

“Just wanted to check on you,” he answered, not drinking anything himself. He looked at the blood and tried wiping it out with his own boot.

“As you can see, I’m still ‘live,” Singer answered, laughing sadly. The weather was nice, for London’s typical weather, anyway. It was a little windy, but at least it wasn’t raining. However, Dan felt, like he missed rain. No one could see his blood on the pavement, if it was raining.

“It’s Kyle, isn’t it?” 

“What?” Singer looked at him with his eyes wide open, clearly scared. He started breathing harshly. Something was hurting him from the inside, he could feel it. 

“You’re in love with Kyle.”

“Oh, shut up.” Dan groaned, and drank the rest of beer that was still in the bottle. He hoped it could calm his stomach. Obviously, it didn’t. “Ya don’t know shit, Wood.”

“Oh, I think I know.” Woody took his empty bottle and put it on the side. He looked at Dan and with his hand made man look at him as well. “You think I didn’t notice how this whole disease thing is getting worse anytime you’re near him, Danny? Do you think I’m stupid?”

“Please, Woody, please…”

“Kyle is killing you.”

“Please, no…” Dan had hidden his face in his arms and started shaking uncontrollably. The weird feeling was getting stronger and stronger. It was as if he was still on the stage, over and over again.

“Dan, I think-“ He didn’t finish his sentence, because Dan suddenly stood up and rushed to the side of the pub. After few second he was throwing up blood and alcohol that he drunk before. Coughs stopped him from throwing time to time, but other than that, he couldn’t stop. Woody rushed to him and stood next to him, patting his back and saying things to his ear, that were supposed to calm him down.

“I can’t…” Dan started, but he was interrupted by another flow in his stomach and Woody’s words.

“I won’t tell him, Dan.” Another pat in the back. “I will leave it to you. But I think you should tell him. As soon as you can. He deserves to know the truth.”

Dan didn’t respond. He just looked at his own digestive liquids, beer and blood leaving his body and painting the sidewalk. The smell was terrible, but he got used to it already. He shouldn’t get used to things like this. How it even had come to this?

After few minutes, when Dan stopped shaking and his stomach finally calmed down, they both went back to pub. Neither of them said something about their talk or Dan’s vomiting. They started talking with the rest and drinking, like nothing at all happened. But Woody’s words stayed in Dan’s mind and he looked at him from time to time. He should’ve told Kyle way before, even before he fell sick with Hanahaki. There was so much time to do this, but there he still was, not saying a word about this, too scared of his friend’s reaction. 

However, he was dying, and any day was good enough to talk about something like this.

They didn’t stop drinking for a very long time. To their own relief, pub was open till a very late hour and it only encouraged them to stay as long as they wanted too. Dan quickly lost count over how many drinks and beers he had. At first, he was worried about the hangover waiting for him, but then he thought, that he could just drink it away the next day. Since he had a month to live, he could as well spend every day drinking. Or at least those days, when he wouldn’t sit at the hospital.

The next thing he knew, his stomach was hurting again, and he stood quickly, knowing well what that meant. He rushed to the bathroom, not saying a word to others. Someone from the outside might think he just didn’t take alcohol well, but the truth was much worse. He heard someone’s steps behind him, but he was so focused on reaching bathroom’s doors, that he didn’t even turn.

Bathroom soon was filled with sounds of vomits leaving his body and his own curses.

“You’re going to die much sooner, if you drink so much, Dan” It was Charlie’s voice and he knew it very well. He didn’t even say anything, just shook his head and vomited again. He felt dehydrated and weak. When we finally stopped vomiting, he wanted to stand up. To Dan’s own disbelief, he tipped to the side, too weak. He was falling on the bathroom’s floor. Everything was spinning around him.

“Oh man!” Charlie only said, managing to catch him and sit him on a closet. He held his cheeks and looked him in the eyes. “We have to get you out of here. How many times did you vomit already?”

“Don’t know, five o’ six?” He answered after few second, looking at Charlie’s eyes, but clearly not focused on neither him nor his surroundings. He looked like empty dummy, like his soul and heart escaped from his body with all those vomits.

“Oh god, how much blood you had vomited? Maaan, we’re terrible at looking after you.”

“Charlie…”

“We really should hav-“

“Charl!” Dan shouted and his friend looked at him scared. “Help me.”

“I’m trying too.”

“Na this way.” Dan wiped out few liquid stains from his mouth, clearly disgusted. Charlie was still holding his cheeks. “Need your advice.”

“What?” Charlie clearly looked surprised and worried.

“Should I tell him that I love ‘im? Like, ya know, the person I love? Person I’m fuckin’ dying for?” Dan looked at the floor, not being able to look at his friend. Charlie was drunk too, but definitely not as much as Dan. Well, he wasn’t dying, so it was understandable. Charlie thought for a moment, but finally answered.

“Yeah, I think you should.”

“Okay.” Dan stood up. Charlie tried making him sit again, but singer walked off the bathroom door, followed by Charlie’s worried voice. 

But Dan didn’t listen to him. He was walking though pub, like it was just an empty and silent space, keeping him away from his destination. He walked, like he didn’t hear Charlie’s words or didn’t see blood on his own shirt. He was sure there was some flower petal on it, but he didn’t care at all.

Woody, Will and Kyle looked at them surprised from their seats, when they’ve finally arrived to their desk. Charlie sat down and explained to the rest what happened, when Dan leaned his arms on the table, still standing. He was looking at the table. He was sweating and shaking, but he couldn’t tell if it was because of the disease or what he was going to say. It could be both. He could as well just take the opportunity he had.

He heard Kyle’s words. He was clearly worried and a little drunk. 

“Dan?”

“It’s you, ya fucker.” Dan looked at him, tears in his eyes. “You’re killin’ me.”

The whole group looked at him frightened, when he finally sat down and started crying, accidently falling over his own drink. He was sobbing loudly, hiding his face in his arms.

“What do you m-“

“What can I mean, for fuck’s sake?!” He looked at Kyle, his eyes clearly red. “I’m in love with you, ya total dipshit!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter, but I thought it was the best place to end it, so I couldn't help myself.
> 
> As always, let me know what you think in the comments! <3


	5. The Day After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Kyle talk in the morning after Dan's sudden confession.

The whole band, and some people sitting nearby, looked at Dan without saying a word. Kyle watched as his friend hidden his head in his arms and started crying. Charlie looked at Dan and then at Kyle, like he couldn’t believe what he just heard. Woody just sighed and drank his drink in one shot, clearly needing this. Dan lifted his head and sniffed. He coughed. Few blood stains covered the desk and an empty glass that he fell over before. Singer looked Kyle in the eyes, but he couldn’t say anything. He was just staring at his friend, not knowing what had just happened.

“Well? Ya want to shout at me? Go ‘head, I’m already dying.” Dan said and whipped tears from his cheeks.

Kyle opened his eyes wider, when he felt Will’s elbow, poking him in his ribs. He looked at his friend who coughed and pointed out to Dan with a movement of his head.

But what he was supposed to say? His friend just confessed to him. Not only that, Dan just said that he was the reason behind his sickness. He was dying because of Kyle. If they didn’t know each other, Dan would still be healthy. It was all because of Kyle. It was his fault.

“Fuck,” he covered his eyes with his hand. He felt his eyes becoming watery. He looked at Dan, not minding being seen crying. “Can… Can I talk to you privately?”

“Why? You want to tell me that I’m a freak, or something? Tell me, I don-“ He coughed again and again, every cough more powerful and painful than one before. Kyle rushed to him and embraced him with his hands. Dan stopped coughing after a while, but started sobbing after that. He hugged Kyle, who looked around, worried about other people’s reactions. Everyone was now looking at them, whispering to each other and gazing at them.

“Guys, let’s get him out of here,” Kyle looked at his friends, who contentedly obeyed him, finished their drinks and stood up to help Kyle. 

Dan was very much drunk, exhausted and clearly dehydrated from all the vomiting, so they had problems getting him out of the pub. They decided to take the cab and drive him to his own flat. 

“So, who’s staying with him? We can’t leave him alone and we won’t all fit there,” Will asked when they were standing in front of a cab.

“’M not drun’,” Dan mumbled, while being supported by Woody’s shoulder.

“Yes, you are,” Charlie answered and sighed. The whole evening was clearly terrible for him.

“I can’t go with him. I need to go home to Chrissy,” Woody said and Will nodded, understanding.

“I can stay at his place,” Kyle decided, finishing his cigarette.

“You sure?” Will raised his eyebrow. “He just confessed to you, you really wa-“

“We’re not teenagers, Will,” Kyle said, throwing fag end on a sidewalk and crushing it with his boot. “I’ll put him to bed and talk to him about this in the morning.”

“Can’t be in da same room with ‘im,” Dan murmured and everyone sighed.

“You’re too drunk to complain, buddy,” Kyle only said and looked at the others. Everyone agreed that he could stay with Dan, though Charlie looked a little hesitant. This way, when they finally entered the cab, everyone knew where they wanted to go.

Few minutes later, Kyle and Dan left the cab. Keyboardist said goodbye to everyone, while Dan almost fall on the sidewalk. If it weren’t for Kyle’s quick help, he would be lying on the pavement. Cab drove off and Kyle helped his friend reaching to his flat.

“Where do you have your keys?” He asked when they stood before doors to Dan’s flat.

“You kno’ Ky, I really thin-“

“Where do you have them?” Kyle interrupted him, clearly angry at him and annoyed because of the whole pub thing.

“’Kay, okay, don’t shout a’ me.” He searched his pockets and handed the keys to his friend. With relief, Kyle took them and opened the doors. The flat was empty for the whole trip, so it felt weird entering it. He sat Dan down on the sofa and opened the window, trying to fresh up the air. When he turned around, Dan tried standing up from the sofa. Somehow, he actually stood up and walked to Kyle. His breath stunk like alcohol, vomits and blood. Kyle never thought he would hate being so close to him. 

“You goin’ to undress me?” Dan asked playfully and giggled.

“No, I am not,” Kyle answered and sighed. He saw Dan drunk very often, but never before he knew about his friend’s feelings toward him. It only made everything worse. “C’mon, we’ll put you in your bed.”

“Aye, aye, babe,” Dan obeyed, which was only accompanied by Kyle’s loud sigh. 

After struggling, he finally put Dan in his own bed and covered him in as more blankets as he could find. He put an empty bowl near the bed, a huge glass of water and an aspirin on his nightstand. He sat on the bed and watched Dan, who fell asleep without any problem. Dan was in love with him. Kyle didn’t know how he could be in love with him, he didn’t know what to do and how to fix everything. Could he do anything to actually stop Dan’s disease? After all, it was caused by the fact, that Kyle didn’t love Dan. It was kind of his responsibility.

He sighed and stood up. He locked the door to the apartment, brought one blanket which didn’t end up on Dan’s bed and went to sleep on the sofa. Before actually lying on it, he texted his girlfriend, telling her everything about Dan’s disease he knew himself.

He struggled with falling asleep for the next two hours.

…

Kyle woke up to the sound of vomits falling into the bowl. He brushed his eyes with his hand and stared at the celling. He sighed and after a minute of thinking, stood up. Of course, he was fully dressed, as well as Dan was, so he immediately went to Dan’s bedroom.

He sat next to him and comforted him as best as he could. After Dan was done, he handed him water and medicines and looked after him, so he could take them.

“I don’t know if it’s because of the disease or drinking,” Dan smiled and coughed loudly. His voice was harsh and throat was sore.

“Probably both,” Kyle said and his friends laughed a little. They stayed silent for a moment and finally, Dan sighed.

“What happened yesterday? I don’t remember shit. Last thing I know I was talking to Woody outside,” Singer looked at him confused. It was clear as day, that he didn’t remember anything from a certain moment. Kyle even considered not telling him what happened later. But he couldn’t hide it and live with this information.

“Well, you vomited few times.”

“Yeah, I can feel that.”

“And you told me…” He started and looked at the window. 

“What? What did I tell you?” Dan was suddenly panicking. He straightened up and looked at Kyle with his eyes wide opened.

“That you love me.”

“Oh fuck, please, no.” Dan covered his face with his hands.

“That you’re dying because of me.”

“Did I use those words?” Dan looked at him and when Kyle didn’t say anything, he moved closer to him. “Look, I don’t think this way. It’s not because of you, it’s because of me. I shouldn’t- I shouldn’t feel this way about you. We’re just friends and I…”

“We can try doing something about it, you know?” Kyle interrupted him, playing with the pack of cigarettes. He looked at Dan, but quickly looked away, not being able to look him in the eyes. “I mean… You’re important to me, you know? I care about you.”

“Yeah, but not in the way I care about you.”

“You love me and I don’t love you. Yes, I know. Otherwise, the whole disease thing wouldn’t even happen… Just, you know.”

“What?” Dan clearly looked confused, not knowing what Kyle meant.

“Look, you told me yourself that-“ Suddenly, he was interrupted by his phone’s ringtone. He stood up quickly and looked at Dan with apologetic look. “Sorry, give me a moment.” Dan nodded and Kyle rushed to the living room to answer the phone.

Dan didn’t hear about what or with whom Kyle was talking to, since he closed door to his room on the way out. He spent this time lying in bed, drinking water and praying to not vomit again. He finally searched some websites on his phones, reading about the gig incident. What he found didn’t surprise him, to be honest. Some websites called him a fraud who did it only to gain more fame. Other speculated about how much time he had left and who he was in love with. 

But it weren’t the sides that were the worst. It was the comments. People saying that he deserved it or laughing about how someone of his fame could fall in love unrequited. Some fans even speculated correctly, thinking he fell in love with Kyle. After all, he knew some people shipped them, but it hurt him to see those comments.

Will was right, he shouldn’t have read any of this.

After reading some more articles and searching more photos of him vomiting blood on the stage, he finally gave up. He sighed, threw phone on the other side of the bed and drank some more water. Feeling like he was steady enough, he stood up from the bed, fixed his hair with his fingers and went to take a shower. He heard that Kyle was still talking and he didn’t want to interrupt, so he could use this time otherwise. 

His shower was long, mostly filled with thinking and placing his forehead to the wall. Washing his hair was nice, since he didn’t actually shower for few days, because of the last gig and disease. It was comforting, even seeing the blood, left from the vomiting and coughing, flowing with the water. It was like a short break from disease, his feelings, the gig, everything.

After the shower he looked at his phone again, discovering a new message from his parents. They asked when they could meet him as soon as possible. He smiled, reading the text. They visited him in the hospital, but it was nice knowing, that they wanted to spend as much time as they could with him now. He answered them and left the bedroom, wearing only trousers and sockets. 

He was drying his hair with towel, looking for Kyle. He quickly found him in the kitchen. Keyboardist was supporting himself with his hands on a table, looking at the phone, lying before him.

“Something happened?” Dan asked, finding his way to coffee machine to light up his morning. His hangover was terrible, but he definitely wasn’t going to spend his day without coffee, no matter how bad he felt.

Kyle didn’t answer for a solid minute. Dan even wanted to repeat himself, thinking that maybe his friend just didn’t hear him, but keyboardist finally answered.

“She dumped me.”

Dan froze and sat next to his friend. “Your girlfriend dumped you? What? Why?”

There was another long silence, finally ended by Kyle’s words. He was clearly devastated and didn’t want to talk about it. He was in a relationship for quite a long time and hearing about it breaking up was a shock even to Dan.

“I told her about your disease. And how it happened because of me. In other words, I told her you love me.” He took the sip of his own coffee that he made while Dan was showering.

“She dumped you because of something like that?” Dan raised a brow.

“She told me that this is too much and she doesn’t want to take part in it.”

Dan looked at Kyle surprised. The room went silent, because Dan thought that he didn’t hear his friend well.

“What?” He coughed. “Really? But it’s not your fault, it’s my disease.”

“I’m not going to lie to you, Dan, our relationship wasn’t perfect.”

“But you were together for almost a year!”

“Yeah, and how much of this year I spent on tour or in the studio?” Kyle sighed and drank some coffee. “I think we weren’t great match.”

“Okay, maybe not, but she shouldn’t break up with you because of something like this!” Dan laughed ironically and drank some coffee. Yes, he was happy that she broke up with Kyle. However, he didn’t want to see his friend in pain.

“I don’t know, Dan… Maybe it was just an excuse, maybe she just couldn’t bear the thought of it or maybe she didn’t want it to come into press? I don’t know, man.” Kyle placed his hand on his forehead and went silent with another sigh. He was looking at his cup of coffee, like he was searching of an answer in it.

Dan was delighted. Well, he was really sorry for Kyle, obviously, but other than that, he was happy. Kyle was single again. It would make things so much easier! And he knew that his friend was bisexual, so maybe he had some kind of chance now. Maybe he wasn’t going to die, maybe he could be loved back by Kyle. It almost felt like he was in some kind of a dream.

“This sucks, man. Maybe you want to drown your sorrows?” Dan asked, drinking his coffee.

“Please, don’t tell me you just want to use it as an excuse to get drunk again.” Kyle looked at him and laughed.

“Oh, no, how could I?” Singer smiled. Yeah, maybe he really wanted to drink, but it was about Kyle this time.

“You’re not going to get drunk, Dan.”

“But you should. Maybe it would cheer you up?”

“I don’t know, man, this is not a great idea. I need to think about this whole thing.” Kyle drank the rest of his coffee and stood up.

“Hey, wait, you wanted to tell me something before?” Dan panicked a little, not wanting his friend to leave. This was his new opportunity and looking at how much time he had left, he needed to act fast. He really didn’t want to die.

“Yeah, I need to think about that too…” Kyle only said and walked to the flat’s door. “I’ll come back later. Or tomorrow. I’ll text you, bye!” He didn’t even give Dan time to reply and left the flat, closing the door behind him. 

Dan just looked at the place where Kyle was standing minutes before. Well, his friends really often needed time to think, apparently. But Dan still had his chance. Maybe he could make Kyle fall in love with him. He just needed someone’s advice.

…

He texted Will, since apparently he was experienced with the whole Hanahaki thing. He asked him if he could come to his place. This way his friend knocked to his door an hour later. 

Even if the thoughts about death were terrible, at least people really did what they could for him.

“Glad you made it.” He smiled to his friend when he opened the door for him. “Do you want something to drink? Beer?”

“Please don’t tell me you’re already drinking. It’s half past two.” Will sighed, coming into the apartment. 

“Well, I didn’t start drinking before twelve, that what matters.”

“On what hour did you wake up again?” Will looked at him with his eyebrow raised.

“Half past twelve, shut up.” Dan answered and went into the kitchen. “So maybe you want some coffee?”

“Tea will do.” Will answered, taking of his jacket and sitting on the sofa. 

After few minutes Dan returned with tea for his friend. He placed it on the table next to sofa and grabbed a half empty bottle of beer for himself. Will looked at him concerned and sighed.

“Just, please, don’t get drunk. It’s really not healthy in your condition.”

“Okay, dad. I’ll drink just one, don’t worry.” Dan answered, taking a sip from the bottle. “And about my condition…”

“Right, you wanted to talk with me about it, didn’t you?”

“You mentioned that you know something about it?”

“Yeah, I had it.” Will answered, blowing a little into the surface of his tea. “And I have to tell you, I think you’re really brave. Telling about your feelings-“

“Wait, what?” Dan looked shocked. He straightened up on his seat. “You had Hanahaki? What? When?”

Will sighed and placed the tea back on the table. “It was before I knew you or the rest of the band. It was shortly after the high school, to be honest.”

Dan would never suspect Will as one being not resistant against Hanahaki. But, to be honest, he wouldn’t think of himself this way as well. He didn’t even know what this disease was before. 

“Could you… tell me what happened? If it’s okay, of course.” He wanted to know more, but he didn’t want his friend to feel weird.

“Well, now you’re sick yourself, so I guess I could tell you how it was to me.” Will drank a little sip of tea, to try if it was cool enough. He cringed a little, discovering it was rather hot. “I was in love with a girl from my work. A month after I started having… feelings toward her, flowers showed up.”

“What kind of flowers?”

“What?” Will looked at him surprised. “I think lilies, why?”

“I just wanted to know if everyone has the same flowers…”

“Oh, no, it’s different for everyone.” Will relaxed a little and continued. “It was getting worse really quickly. I had a little time to make a decision. My parents encouraged me to have a surgery. So I had it. I got rid of it. Of flowers and feelings toward her. I don’t even remember how I felt toward her now.”

“Did you ever tell her?” Dan drank some of his beer and coughed few times. His throat was sore, but he got used to it already.

“No, I couldn’t.” Will looked down and sighed. “I was too ashamed. At this time people with Hanahaki were considered very weak and I just couldn’t tell her. She would probably laugh at me…”

“No one should laugh at someone’s feelings.”

Will smiled at him and took a sip of his tea.

“I’m glad you think that way. But, anyway, I have to say I was surprised you told Kyle. I didn’t think you were in love with him, to be honest. But it’s good you told him, he deserves to know and you probably feel better now yourself.”

“Yeah, well, that’s truth.” Dan smiled and looked at his friend. He would never have guessed Will was one of those ‘weak’ ones. But he felt very good, knowing that he had someone he could talk to about the disease. “Actually, we talked in the morning.”

“Oh? About the whole thing?”

“Well, yes. And… His girlfriend dumped him. Because of it.”

“Oh.” Will coughed a little. “Well, that sucks.”

“You think I should… you know, try with Kyle now?” 

Will thought for a moment, but answered rather quickly. “Yeah, I think you should. Maybe he will, you know, return your feelings and you wouldn’t have to have this surgery.”

“About the surgery… I read there are a lot of side effects. Did you have some?”

“Yeah, I still have a weak stomach because of it. But side effects are different for everyone, as well as I know.”

“Oh, okay.” Dan drank a little of his beer. It was nice, talking about it with someone. Well, he had to encourage himself with beer, but it was still good. “I read the news, you know.”

“Oh, Smith, for fuck’s sake.” Will sighed.

They talked about news and comments for the rest of their little meeting. It was mostly filled with Will telling him how Dan should have listened to him, but other than that, Dan was grateful he invited him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little longer to make up for the two shorter ones. 
> 
> Hope you like it and please, leave a comment! :>


	6. The Evening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyle has a proposition for Dan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not updating for so long. I hope that this chapter will make up for this time!

Surprisingly, he didn’t wake up because of his own stomach, but because of his phone’s annoying ring. He groaned and reached for it. Placing it near his ear, he answered the call, not even looking who it was. 

He didn’t even have time to say anything, when he heard Kyle’s excited voice. “I’ll be at your place in twenty minutes.” He heard steps and loud street by the phone.

“Dude, you know what hour it is?” Dan asked. Good question, because he didn’t know himself. 

“Yeah, it’s one in the afternoon. Please, don’t tell me you’re still in bed.”

“It’s possible.” Dan answered, sitting up and scratching a little. “It’s also possible that I drunk in the evening and went to bed really late.”

“Wasn’t Will at your place yesterday?”

“Yeah, but he left early.” Dan stood up and brushed his hair, looking around. “Wait, how do you know it?”

“He told me, obviously.” He could almost hear Kyle rolling his eyes. “Anyway, I have Chinese food.”

“Gosh, I love you.” Dan said without thinking.

“Yeah, I’m going to talk to you about that. Just please, don’t welcome me in your pajamas.” Kyle answered with a little laugh and hung up.

Singer had to admit that Kyle took it easier than he thought he would. Maybe there was a chance for him after all? After just breathing for a while, to calm down his mind and stomach, he stood up and went to get a quick shower. After that he dressed up in some old T-shirt and trousers and brushed his teeth. Just in time to hear bell at the door. He didn’t even have time to dry his hair. 

He opened the door, revealing smiling Kyle, holding the shopping net with two boxes of Chinese food in it. He didn’t even say anything, just smiled wider and went into the flat, leaving Dan to close the door. And so he did, looking at his friend with confusion written on his face.

“What are you up to?” He asked younger man, following him to the dining room and sitting at the table. “You seem really happy for someone who just broke up with his girlfriend yesterday.”

“I have an idea.” He took boxes out of the net, placing one of it in front of Dan. He sat next to him, excited about the food himself. “And I think you’ll like it”

“So tell me.” Dan said, placing one of his arms on the table, looking at Kyle curiously. He coughed, hiding his hand covered in a little plains of blood and asked. “What’s the idea you’re so excited about?”

“I’m going to take you on a date.”

“Mhm- What?” Dan though that he misheard his friend and looked at him confused.

“It’s obvious. I’m single now. You’re dying because you’re in love with me… I don’t want to… I mean. I don’t love you in this way, but I can try, right? I’ll try as long, as I can. I can’t let you die, Dan.” Kyle looked at him seriously, leaving his food for now. Singer couldn’t say anything. It was actually happening. For so long he thought it wasn’t possible, but it was happening. Kyle asked him out on a date. Maybe kind of out of a pity, but it was still something. Maybe he wasn’t meant to die after all? Maybe there was still a chance for him?

“So?” Kyle’s voice interrupted his thoughts. He sounded worried and stressed. Dan smiled at him, kind of nervous himself. He joined his hands together and answered his friend.  
“Yeah, I… I can go on a date with you. I mean, it would be a pleasure.”

“Okay... okay.” Kyle looked at his food and then again at Dan. He started playing with his fork, moving his food. “God, I didn't think it would work. But hey, it worked.” He smiled and Dan felt like his heart exploded. “Okay, so, eating Chinese is not a very good date.” He looked at his food again and sighed. “I'll pick you up at six, maybe? What do you say?”

“What? You're already going?” Dan looked at him confused. “You just came here.”

“Yeah, but I have to get everything worked.”

“Kyle, I'm not a sixteen year old girl. You don't have to plan the entire thing.” He smiled, brushing his hair with his fingers.

“But I want to” said Kyle and stood up, leaving the food almost as he brought it. He said a short goodbye, without any more explanations, and left the flat, leaving Dan alone. Alone with even more Chinese, which wasn't as bad as it sounded.

While eating the food, Dan could only think about how this day was going to be amazing, how the date would go and what Kyle had prepared for him.  
Maybe he was a sixteen year old girl after all.

He didn't drink anything, wanting it to be a special day. Even if he really wanted to get a drink before the date, just to loose up a little, he didn't. He pulled himself together, picked up nice clothes and brushed his hair, just so they would look like less of a mess. Basically, it was a very normal day, filled with getting ready for a date that he was waiting for so long.  
God, he was really getting sentimental over this.

But he couldn't stop thinking about it. He wasn't surprised. After all, he waited for it for so long. Well, for a very long time he didn't even believe it was possible to happen. Hell, he couldn't find a courage to ask Kyle out, and now he was asking Dan out.

So, needless to say, he was very excited when he heard door's bell around six o'clock. So excited, that he almost fell, trying to reach the entrance to his flat.  
He opened the door, allowing himself to smile at Kyle. The man was well dressed, surely well prepared for the date. He, too, was smiling, but it was kind of an awkward and nervous gesture. Dan started to think if it was a good idea, but he pushed those thoughts away. Even if the date won't work out, he can have a one decent evening to enjoy himself.

Especially since Kyle brought him a beautiful big bunch of roses, decorated with a big, red bow.  
Maybe Kyle himself was a sixteen year old boy, asking a girl on a date.

Kyle wasn't lying about preparation. He took Dan to the fine restaurant. He was a little hesistant, maybe not being used to going out on an actual date with a man, but he seemed to enjoy the dinner as much as Dan. They talked like always, like good friends, except for casual flirting and some more brave moves, mostly from Dan. 

It was a very normal date, nothing much and nothing else. After dinner, that took them too long, to be honest, they went on a little walk around the city. They talked, walking. They sometimes brushed their hands together, never actually joining them. Small touches, closing the distance, there were so many things, that Dan enjoyed.  
They met a busker playing a sweet song on a violin. It was so magical, that Dan had to make them stop by the musician, just to listen to the music and stand closer to Kyle. Even if man was a little tensed and stressed, Dan let himself enjoy the moment, feeling like it could go at any given moment. He even let himself dance a little, to the sweet song.

Distant feeling, that it all was just a short moment didn't leave him, but he tried to suppress it, tell himself that it could be a possile future for him and Kyle.  
Even if he spend the whole date running to bathrooms to throw up.

There was a problem with being close to Kyle, feeling his presence and talking to him. The Hanahaki was only getting worse because of it. Before the date he has problems with it, getting ready for the evening. But it was more annoying during the actual thing, when he had to excuse himself every half an hour just to cough or throw up flowers and blood. It was messy and definitly not romantic, but he couldn't help it.

He told himself that it wasn't any sign. That it was just a sickness, a one that would go away. Dan didn't let it destroy his amazing evening.

Walking, they finally reached the point where they were actually close to ending the date. So Dan called a cab and instead of just driving away and saying goodbye to Kyle, he grabbed him and pulled him into the cab.  
Well, he could at least enjoy the evening as much as he can.

There was an awkward moment when they reached Kyle's flat. He was there many times, obviously, but it was never meant in that way. But he really wanted to use this time to make his damned best out of it.  
So when they both were at the door, he grabed Kyle's hand.

And when the doors closed behind them, his hands were all around Kyle. 

Dan pushed Kyle to the wall, receiving a small gasp from him. When he heard doors slamming shut behind him he didn't care. His arms danced on Kyle's chest and shoulders, trying to remember his form, his skin and body. His lips brushed Kyle's, never actually kissing him, just touching a little.

“Dan,” he heard coming from Kyle, a little hesistant and heavy sounding. Dan stopped a little, looked in his friend's eyes, searching for approval. He didn't receive it from man's eyes but from the movement of his arms that clasped around Dan's neck and drew him closer.

They looked in each other's eyes, pressing their foreheads together. Kyle's back was pressed to the wall, one of Dan's hands above his shoulder. Their legs were tangled, like if they stopped dancing and were just standing awkwardly.

Dan looked at Kyle's lips and decided that he could stay with his lips pressed to them forever. 

So he moved closer and pressed his lips to Kyle's. Gently and slowly, not trying to scare his friend. Kyle answered quickly, moving his lips, so he could have a better access. Soon after, their lips were dancing around each other, trying to find the perfect spot, the perfect position. Their breathing became heavy and rushed, like they were both waiting for something to happen, while their mouths were joined.

Dan could swore that he never felt so happy, so perfectly joined with someone.

He never could have imagined that it would turn up like this. It was just impossible. How did this happen? How did they end up like this?

When their kisses became brethless, Dan moved his arm from the wall to Kyle's shirt, trying t push it up, to get it out of the way.

Then he felt Kyle strightening up. He stopped his movement and pushed himself of Kyle, walking off one step. He looked at his face, trying to read his mind.

Kyle was clearly uncomfortable. God knows for how long. Dan felt so nice, loved, that he didn't even think about Kyle. And man, did he look stressed. He stood in front of Dan, more than a little bit flushed. His hair messy, his look distant. His eyes big, like they were scared of something. He looked at Dan and opened his mouth.

“Dan, I...” Kyle started, but Dan didn't let him finish.

“I get it” he only said and looked at Kyle for the last time.

God, what was he thinking?

Kyle tried to say something, but Dan just turned around and opened the door. He walked away, slamming them behind him and leaving Kyle with flowers alone in his flat. He brushed his hair with his fingers and headed out of the building.

He felt tears on his cheeks, as he got into the cab and told the man to head to his favourite pub.

Why was he like this? Everything was nice, but at the end, nothing worked out. This didn't make any sense. Maybe Kyle was just pretending to enjoy the night, just so Dan could feel nice? Maybe he acted like that out of pity, not wanting to hurt a dying friend?

As Dan was leaving the cab, he couched, leaving blood on his hand, and cursed. He looked at his phone, ignoring messages from Kyle. He headed straight to the pub, quickly finding himeself in front of a bar.

He really needed a drink. He was pushing it off the entire day, so happy with the date. Now the desire was so strong, that he couldn't think about anything else than just drowning his sorrows. 

He was really a failure. Firstly, he pushed his friend into kissing him and now he was drinking alone. Maybe it was better that he will die in the next few weeks? He couldn't sing anymore, now, with his throat sick, so what was the point? If everything that kept him living was empty and pushed away because of this stupid illness.

Around a third drink, he got a message from Charlie.

'Where are you?' It said. He would ignore it, if it was from Kyle. And he knew that Charlie was probably asking, because Kyle asked him to, but he didn't really care. He needed someone to take him to his flat anyway. So he answered him, naming his favourite pub in the message, and got back to drinking.

It didn't take long for Charlie to show up, although Dan was already after his fifth or sixth drink. He really didn't count them. He just wanted to be drunk, that's all.  
And he was really victorious in it, to be honest. 

“God, Dan, you look terrible,” Charlie said, when he stood next to him, watching him.

“I feel worse,” he answered, smiling sadly and ordering a drink for Charlie. His friend looked worried, eyeing Dan, as if he wanted to ask him, what had happened. He probably knew already, so where was the point of telling him anything?

“I don't want to drink.” He sat next to Dan and looked at the glass his friend was handing him.

“Please.” Dan looked him in the eyes, so sad and broken that Charlie had to sign and take a sip of a drink, just to don't hurt his feelings. Dan smiled, and followed his gesture, drinking with him.

He really should hang up with Charlie more often. He could talk to him about what happened and Charlie let him snivel. Maybe Dan was interrupting him, when he was trying to support Kyle's point of view, but other than that, their talk was really great, even if filled with sorrows and sadness. Charlie even helped him when he had to go to the toilet and vomit.

That was something. A friend helping him out with everything was what he needed.

So the time went fast, drinks folowed each other, and he was pretty drunk after an hour or so. Even Charlie drank a little, though he was trying to stay sober to keep his eyes on Dan.

“Dan, we really should...”

“Ya don't understad, Char'. He really...” He tried to say something, but he didn't really know what. He just started crying, when Charlie stood up and took him out of the pub, paying the bartender. 

Now he really was drunk. At least he achieved one thing that he wanted to.

He didn't really remember when Charlie called the cab and put him in it. He was half asleep in the car, when Charlie was talking with Kyle through the phone, telling him that he took care of Dan. He couldn't recall how Charlie walked with him to his flat and helped him to open the door.

Only thing that he trully remembered was the constant feeling of someone close to him, caring about him and trying to keep him safe. 

It was reminding him of Kyle, but it was something else. It was better. It was close, it was reachable, he could almost touch it. 

It was something that he missed, that he really wanted.

So when they finally opened the door, Dan looked at Charlie with a kind of a realisation. When his friend was walking Dan to his bedroom, he couldn't stop thinking about it. And when they actually stepped into the room, Dan moved close to Charlie and did the only thing, that was occupying his mind.

He kissed him, the same way that he wanted to kiss Kyle for so long.

He needed it. He needed someone's presence, someone caring about him. He needed someone's body pressed to his, he needed pleasure that could come out of it.  
And if he couldn't have it from Kyle, he could try with Charlie.  
His friend would forgive him, he was sure.

To his own surprise, Charlie returned the kiss. Dan suspected that it was because of the alcohol. After all, Charlie drank a little himself. Maybe they were both just drunk, seaking affecton and finding it between each other? Nevertheless, the kiss didn't stop there, deepening and becoming more and more hungry.

“Dan, we shouldn't.” Charlie said, when their lips parted, but their bodies stayed tangled together.

“I don't care.” Dan answered, pushing Charlie onto the bed and climbing on top of him, continuing to kiss him.

Charlie didn't say anything else, didn't hesitate or refuse. He joined Dan with his dance, letting Dan push him into the cushions. The kisses were hard and quick, but deap anyway. Hands were moving on the bodies, pulling up the clothes, leaving them breathless and panting.

He needed this. And he really didn't care that he got it from Charlie, not from Kyle.  
Maybe, deep down, he cared.  
But it was the thing to worry about the next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a lot going on in this chapter, but I wanted to write it down when I had an idea.  
> Hope you liked it!  
> Please, leave kudos and comments!


	7. Happier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is scared of how little time he has left.

He woke up to the noise of vomiting. His first thought was that he himself went sleepwalking into the bathroom and started his daily routine without noticing. But no, he was still in bed. His mind was so foggy that he had to think for a minute to understand what was happening. 

And then it hit him.

He was still naked and oh, there, there were Charlie’s clothes on his bedroom’s floor. Oh god, what have he done previous day?

Well, that was really awkward, but he had to check on Charlie. He stood up, cursing at his headache and head spin. Trying not to look at his own body, he put up some trousers and went to the bathroom. 

As he was just about to open the door, he heard a hushed curse and toilet being flushed. He opened the door and met eye to eye with Charlie, who was just about to leave the room.

“Um, are you okay?” Dan asked, nervous and anxious, though finding it relaxing, that Charlie already had put on his trousers. He looked at his friend, clearly concerned. Charlie sighed and smiled sadly, brushing his hair with his fingers. “Yeah, it always happens after I drink.” He looked at the toilet and then back at Dan. “You look good though. I, I mean, you don’t look really sick and stuff.”

“Yeah, well, life is not fair.” Dan smiled and walked back two steps, before sighing. They really had to talk about that, didn’t they? “Look, mate, I’m sorry for what happened, I shouldn’t push you into anything.”

Charlie looked like he panicked. He waved his hands a little and looked at Dan like he just made something really stupid. “What? No. No, I’m sorry for taking the advantage. I shouldn’t have done that. God, it was so stupid.” 

“What? No. I pushed you into this.”

“No, I-“

“Look, there’s no point in arguing about whose fault it was, okay?” But it was mine, Dan added in his mind. He brushed his hair and looked away. “Are we going to talk about it?”

“I mean, if you want to.” Charlie walked past him and sat on the couch, looking at Dan with anxiety written on his face. “Was it… just a onetime thing?”

“I mean, do you want it to be?”

“Well, with this whole Kyle and you thing…” Charlie looked at him and joined his hands, trying to focus on something else. “Should we really do this… again?”

“I don’t know, mate. Maybe we could… think about it later.” Not that Dan had much time left. To be honest, he really didn’t and promising Charlie anything was a really dickhead thing to do. But he couldn’t help himself. There was no denying the fact, that he was attracted to him. But he really couldn’t make decisions like this at the moment.

It wasn’t his fault that Charlie looked a lot like Kyle.

He even smiled similar to him.

God, Dan was a terrible friend.

“I get it, don’t worry” Charlie looked a bit relieved, like he wasn’t sure if he wanted it himself. Dan didn’t know if it was good or not.

Singer’s terrible cough reminded him about greater things.

“I have to go to the hospital for my treatment today.” He said after he dressed up and handed Charlie his clothes. “I could use some company.”

“Shouldn’t you talk to Kyle first?”

“Maybe I will. After treatment.” Dan said with his eyebrows scowled, like he was saying Charlie to shut up. “So?”

“I can go with you.” His friend agreed and went to different room to dress up. Dan sighed and went to kitchen to make a quick breakfast for him and Charlie. After eating, he quickly went to bathroom to throw up everything he eaten. Great time. Bloody Hanahaki. 

…

Kyle wasn’t surprised, when he entered Dan’s flat and saw him drinking beer. No one would have been, considering how often he was drunk lately. He just sighed, relieved that his friend didn’t lock himself and that he could actually enter the flat, even though Dan was ignoring him the whole day. Didn’t answer any of his calls, didn’t text back. Singer was sitting on his couch, drinking and watching some film on his TV. 

“Charlie told me you’re at your place. Why didn’t you answer me?” Kyle asked, putting his hands in pockets and coming closer to Dan.

“I didn’t want to.” Dan answered, without looking. He sipped beer from the bottle and then started coughing. The cough didn’t stop for the moment, but at last, Dan leaned forward and spitted blood at the floor. He brought his hand to his mouth and pulled out a flower of daffodil. Throwing it on the floor, he returned his attention to beer and film.

Kyle didn’t say anything about it.  
“Were you at hospital today?”

“I’m sure Charlie told you, so what’s the point of asking?” Dan didn’t even look at him.

“Because I want to start a conversation, Dan.”

“And maybe I don’t want to?” Dan stood up and looked at Kyle, like the film didn’t matter anyway. He looked like he was about to cry. He clenched his fists and looked his friend dead in the eyes. His talk and stance was a little odd, suggesting that he was already a little drunk. “And what is there to talk about? It was a mistake, okay? I’m sorry. I didn’t want to push you into this. It was horrible, you were uncomfortable and I don’t want you to-“ He stopped and leaned forward, placing his hand on his mouth. At first, Kyle was sure he’s about to cough again, but then he heard Dan’s sobbing. He was crying, while trying to hide it.

“God, Dan.” He came closer to him, sat in on the couch and hugged him. He didn’t deserve that. He shouldn’t cry because of him. He rubbed Dan’s back with his arm, shushing him a little. Singer was still crying, hugging Kyle like his life depended on this.

“I don’t want to die, Ky. I can’t.” He finally said, clenching to him even more, rubbing his eyes to his jacket. “I’m so scared…”

“You don’t have to be.” Kyle swallowed, still holding Dan in his arms. “You’re not going to die. We can always do something. The surgery-“

“But-but I don’t want to stop loving you, Kyle. I just can’t… live without this feeling.” He coughed. Kyle didn’t mind that his jacket was getting covered in blood. “And you’re not going to love me back, Ky. I know this, I do. You don’t have to pretend like it’s not true, just because I’m dying.”

“There is always a chance. I love you, as a friend, maybe I could also love you as something more.”

“But you know this isn’t true, don’t you? We all know this is impossible. If it didn’t work so far, then…” He stopped, sniffed and continued. “I don’t want to die.”

“You’re not going to. I won’t let you. I don’t want you to die, either, Dan. What we could do? What I could do?” He clenched him closer to himself, feeling like he’s about to dry himself. There was nothing he could do. He could push himself to start a relationship with Dan, but he still wouldn’t love him, would he? Dan could sense it, Hanahaki wouldn’t stop and it all would drove them both crazy. It was all his fault. His fault that he didn’t love him back. His fault, that he just couldn’t do it. His fault, that Dan was dying, crying and drinking. It was all because of Kyle. “C’mon, let’s get you to bed.”

“I’m sick of sleeping.” Dan resisted, still sitting on the couch. “I’m sick of staying in bed, drinking and just… waiting. Waiting for it to happen, to strike me and just… I can’t do this anymore. I just want it to end.” He sobbed and then coughed, bringing another blood stained flowers to the view. Kyle felt his heart being shattered into pieces. It was all his fault.

“Just… stay strong, okay? It will all turn out well, I promise.”

They hugged a little longer, until Dan fell asleep, worn out by drinking and crying. Kyle let him sleep a little longer on his shoulder and then grabbed him as best as he could, taking him to his bedroom. Sitting on the bed, he looked at Dan, sighed, and started crying.

…

“Two weeks.”

“Doctor told you so?” Woody asked, looking worried. Everyone in the room looked worried or just petrified. The whole band, some people from the crew and his friends. It was a party, or it was supposed to be one, until Dan started talking about the whole mess.

“Yeah.” He couldn’t say more. Not only that he didn’t want to, but flowers were so big and there was so many of them, that talking or even swallowing hurt like hell. Even breathing was painful. Visits in hospital helped, but it was far beyond the point where they helped him with the pain.

“So? What are you going to do?” Will asked, putting his drink away and concentrating on Dan.

“I have five days to decide. He said… I can die in this time. One and a half week is the longest I can…” He stopped talking and looked away. Will stood up, to try and do something, but Dan didn’t stop there. “I think I’m going to have a surgery. I don’t know.”

“Well, you should know. What else you could do?” Woody asked him, looking confused. Dan appeared smaller in the moment, not wanting to look at them.

“It’s not easy, those side effects…”

“They’re better than dying, Dan.” Will had said, before he sighed.

“I know, it’s just…”

“Dan, it’s up to you. We support you. Just, please, think about it. Please, consider the surgery.” Charlie interrupted him, clearly terrified by the thought that Dan could die without even trying the surgery.

Dan sighed and sat back on the couch. He brushed his hair and looked at everyone, clearly looking a little longer at Kyle, who was petrified with pure fear. 

“Just give me a few days. I’ll make the decision.”

Everyone nodded and started talking about it with Dan or each other. Dan avoided conversations as best as he could, trying to get to the side of the room, away from everyone. He said what he wanted to say, didn’t really want to talk about it anymore. It was enough that he felt those damn flowers all the time, growing inside of him, hurting him and clenching to his throat. 

“Hey, Dan, you okay?” Kyle asked him, placing his hand on his shoulder. Dan didn’t even notice when he leaned forward in front of a wall and started breathing heavily.

“No, not really” he answered honestly, looking at his own shoes. He coughed, covering his mouth with his hand. He wasn’t surprised when he found blood and a flower there.

“Let’s take you outside, okay?” He grabbed him firmer and took him out of the room, away from people and the whole thing. They both stood just outside the door, back pressed to the wall, looking at the starless sky above them and street full of people in front of them. Kyle was still holding Dan’s shoulder, waiting for him to calm his breathe and relax.

“It was a big talk. I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks. They all looked very much… worried.”

“Are you surprised?”

“No.”

“You shouldn’t be. We’re your friends, Dan. We care about you. Just how Charlie said.” Kyle hugged him a little.

“I don’t want to make that decision, Ky.”

“You have to, Dan. You’re the only one who can actually make it.” 

“And this is what’s terrifying about it, you know?”

“Yeah, I know.” Kyle smiled sadly, looking at the street. “I’m sorry.”

“Kyle…” Dan started, but his friend didn’t let him finish. 

“I truly am. If it wasn’t for me, this all wouldn’t have happened. It’s all my fault. You’re dying because of me.” Now he was crying, great.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Ky. “Dan hugged him and after a moment, continued. “This is not your fault. Why would it be? It’s not your fault, it’s not my fault. It’s nobody’s fault.”

“Life just sucks sometimes, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah.” Dan chuckled a little and Kyle joined him in it.

“I really don’t want you to die.”

“I know.” He smiled and grabbed his coat. “C’mon, let’s go inside. We don’t want them to get worried.”

When they walked inside, music was loud again and people where talking or drinking, trying to push the thoughts of Dan dying aside. Someone cheered at Dan and he smiled, but continued his walk to drinks. Every evening was the same. Drinking and drinking until he would stop thinking about Hanahaki, about Kyle. The only difference was that he was at the small party, not at his flat. 

“Sooo… how drunk are you planning to get?” He heard Charlie’s voice. Looking up, he was his friend standing near drinks and looking at him curiosity. Kyle wandered off somewhere and Dan didn’t even want to go look for him in the mass of people. 

His voice came out as rough and unhealthy, mostly because of the illness:  
“So drunk that I’ll forget my name.”

“There are other things that can help you with that.” Charlie smiled a little, pouring him some whisky. Dan looked at him with confusion and then coughed.

“Well, yeah, that’s not a bad idea.” He shrugged, though it was obvious he looked a little unsettled by this. “After all, I have only few days left to live.”

“Not if you agree to the surgery.” Charlie looked a bit upset, but he coughed and smiled again. “So?”

“Let mi drink first. Like, drink a lot.” Dan laughed a little and took his drink.

“Not going to stop you, don’t worry.” Charlie got his own drink, smiling sadly and went with Dan to sit on the couch.

Dan couldn’t run from people, from his friends. It was obvious there was a lot to talk about with them. There was no point in avoiding it. So the rest of the party was centered on talking about the whole thing, though it was accompanied by music and laughs from the other side of the rooms. As they drunk more, the less serious the subject was and Dan was okay with it. After all, he didn’t want to make everyone depressed because of this. 

Everything was spinning around him when he stood up few hours later. His head felt dizzy and he almost fell back on the couch. He felt Kyle’s hands clinging to him, trying to steady him, even though his friend was obviously also drunk.

“Woah, you okay?” He asked and San smiled stupidly.

“Yeah.”

“I think you had enough for today.” Kyle said and Dan just nodded. 

“I’ll go get Charlie. He promised me… he’s going to get me to my… ugh, flat.” Dan stood up, ignoring Kyle’s weird look and went to search for Charlie. 

After few minutes he found him walking out of the bathroom, cursing quietly.

“Oh.” He looked at Dan and put his hands in his pockets. “We’re going to your place?”

“Yeah. I mean. If you like to?” Dan answered, eyeing him with curiosity.”

“Yeah, sure, let’s go.” Charlie smiled and went with him to the exit. Dan waved to Kyle at his way out, smiling to him like an idiot. He said goodbye to everyone and didn’t even wait for an answer, walking out with Charlie.

…

A sharp pain in his throat, gripe in his stomach and he woke up. He leaned to his side and vomited to the bowl, now always standing next to his bed. Holding his hand on his stomach, he let painful snaps control his body, as blood, alcohol and flowers were leaving his body, covering bowl and floor next to it in grotesque colors. He was used to it, but it didn’t change the fact it was so painful. Like parts of his body were tearing apart and trying to leave it. He shivered and sat up.

“Fucking hell.” He said, placing his hand on his forehead. His head hurt like hell. He really needed to go to the bathroom, clean himself at least a little. Everything hurt and he wasn’t sure if it was because of alcohol, illness, of night spend with Charlie. Probably all of those. 

With a difficulty, he stood up from his bed and made his way to the bathroom, so similar to the one he made every morning. When he entered the room, without even considering knocking or saying anything, even though he heard Charlie being there, he stood at the doorway petrified.

“Charlie?” He asked, looking at his friend.

There he stood, next to the sink, looking at Dan with pure fear. His mouth and hand was covered in blood.

On the sink laid one single red rose. Covered in crimson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost the end!  
> Before we get to the final chapter I want to thank you all for reading, leaving kudos and commenting!  
> I'm really sorry about how much you needed to wait for chapters, but there was a lot of happening in my life.  
> You are all amazing!


	8. Love Of My Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's no much time left.

“It’s not how you... well, it is.” Charlie started talking but just the look on Dan’s face made him change his words.  
Singer looked so worried, so terrified. He stood there, petrified, looking so bewildered that it was unreal. He found himself in the same, well, worse, situation that Will some time ago when he found Dan throwing up flowers. But it was something else at the same time. He slept with Charlie and he knew how clingy man was lately. There was no point in avoiding it...

“Is it… because of me?” He finally asked, looking him dead in the eyes.

Charlie looked away. He was clearly thinking about answering him. He sighed:  
“Yes, yes it is. I’m in love with you.”

Dan stepped one step back and moved his weight from one leg to another. He had to help himself by lying partly on a doorframe.  
“Fuck.” He just said.

“Listen, I’m sor…”

“You don’t have to be, I heard this word to many times lately.” Dan murmured and looked away. After few second of thinking, he finally continued. “What will happen to you if I… die?”

“What?” Charlie looked confused. “How should I know?”

“Yeah, right.”

“Don’t fucking die.”

“I’ll try to. Don’t fucking die either.”

“No, I’m serious, Dan. You have to try this surgery. I get it, you love Kyle, but don’t die because of that.” Charlie stood up and cleaned himself quickly. “There will always be someone else to love. I mean, I know it’s hard, but just try this surgery.”

“It’s not so easy, Charlie.” Dan snorted and coughed, while covering his mouth with his hand.

“I know. And that’s why I’m saying it, Dan.” He walked closer to him. “You can’t die. You just can’t. I… I don’t know what I will do if you die.”

“Then go to the surgery too.”

“I will. If this illness will get worse, I will.” Charlie looked him straight in the eyes and furrowed his brows. “Because being alive is more important than feelings.”

Dan looked at him, searching for answers in his eyes. He bewildered him with those words, but he was still confused. Firstly he didn’t know if he wanted to have the surgery, and now Charlie needed one too. This was all messed up and he didn’t know what to think of it. While he was just thinking, Charlie looked aside and coughed.

“I’ll be going now. Just… think about it.”

“Sure, I’m thinking about it all the time.” He answered, following him with his gaze, as he passed by.

…

“Fuck.” Will started after hearing Dan out. The whole band went out for few drinks. Charlie gave him permission to talk about his Hanahaki, just before leaving the bar. He explained that he ‘didn’t want them to petty him’ and ‘had enough of this depressing atmosphere’. So singer told them and they listened to him, bewildered.

“Yeah.” He answered before emptying his glass and ordering another one. In the meantime he had another cough attack, resulting in blood and flower petals covering his tissue. He was carrying a lot of them around lately. His attacks were so often now, that he was more often coughing than normally breathing. Woody once said that if one’s would just look in his mouth sometime they could see an actual flower sticking out of his throat. 

“I don’t get it. Why so many of you have or had this stupid illness?” Kyle asked, looking confused. Everyone now knew that Will had it too. They became really honest with each other lately, due to the circumstances.

“True. More than half of the band built by flower-vomiting people.” Woody agreed with him.

“Guys, stop. There are more important things.” Will sighed and emptied his glass.

“Yeah, like, the fact that two of our friends are fucking dying? You don’t say, Will.” Kyle changed his position on his chair and looked at Dan. “And he told you it was because of you? His feelings toward you?”

“Yes. I mean, this whole thing is so fucked up.” Dan answered and coughed again. He had problems with breathing for a while, but Woody patted his back and he was somehow alright.

“Well, from all I heard Charlie’s Hanahaki is still not very dangerous. I mean, not comparing to yours.” Kyle said.

“But he’s still deadly sick, Ky. “Dan sighed and looked at the man he loved. “We need to convince him to go to the hospital.”

“No, Dan. You know what we need to do first?” Kyle answered, slightly bending over the table. “We need to convince YOU to go to the hospital and get the damn surgery.”

“He’s right, Dan. How many days you have left?” Woody asked.

“Seven.” He answered with weird voice, his breathing short and shallow. 

“You should be in the hospital now. If not for surgery then just to be under observation.”

“For what, Woody? I know what’s wrong with me, I don’t need observation.”

“Dan, you’re fucking dying. And not dying like a month ago. You’re one step from actually kicking the bucket.” Will said, slowly, but clearly angry.

“Are you all just waiting for me to tell you that I’m going to get the surgery?”

”Yes, obviously!” Woody practically shouted, looking at Dan like he was stupid.

Dan looked at him stunned by his anger. After few seconds he looked aside and coughed a little. He stood up, excused himself that he ‘had to breathe some free air’ and walked out of the bar.

The men looked at each other confused.

“You were a little too harsh.” Will started and Woody just snored.

“Give me a break.”

“I’m going to check on him.” Kyle told them while standing up. He took his and Dan’s jacket and quickly rushed out of the building, leaving two friends at the table. Woody and Will didn’t try to stop him, just went back to drinking and talking.

When Kyle closed the door behind him, he found Dan sitting on the pavement near it. People were passing by, but no one was really looking at him, paying him attention. When keyboardist came closer to him, he noticed that he was playing with a single daffodil. It was, obviously, covered in blood.

“Ugh, you got it out of your throat?” He asked without thinking.

“Where else could I possibly get it from?” Dan looked at him and furrowed his brows. Kyle looked aside, embarrassed. He sat next to his friend, covering him with his jacket. Without thinking, Dan laid his head on his shoulder.

They sat there, in silent, watching people and cars passing by. Kyle didn’t ask him anything, didn’t push him into any decision. And Dan knew that was one of the things he loved about him. The person he was, how Kyle changed him, it was all because of those feelings. Getting rid of them was something so unfair. He couldn’t imagine world were we wouldn’t love Kyle. One, where everything would be so much different, where the two of them would completely different persons. It was insane, and yet, Dan knew there was no coming back from it all.

“I’m going to have this surgery.” He said, quietly, his voice cracking and tears streaming down his cheeks.

“I know it’s hard for you.” Kyle said after another few seconds, turning his head a little to have a better view on Dan.

“I can’t just die, Ky. I can’t leave you all alone.” He answered, not looking at him, but trying to cover his tears.

Cars were passing by, not knowing that someone was dying so close to them

Kyle looked at Dan, not believing that he never fell in love with this man. This amazing human being, made to be loved and cherished. And yet, he couldn’t fall for him for so reason. He loved him as a friend, but would never be in a relationship with him.  
Dan deserved so much more.

“Thank you.” Kyle said, kissing his forehead.

…

Dan made his decision and informed Doctor Baker about it. Doctor invited him to the hospital in few hours, stating that he had to prepare everything. Dan had only another four, maybe three days, there was no point in organizing the surgery on another day, given how little of them he had left. Singer went to his flat to prepare himself and just relax a little before going to the hospital. He also wanted to phone his family and tell them everything they needed to know.

Rest of the band decided to accompany him from his flat to the hospital and through surgery, obviously. So after few hours to give Dan some privacy, they went to his flat, the whole group. The whole road they were really quiet, overtaken by seriousness of this situation and their visit. Just some shared words about how they were glad that Dan decided to have a surgery and nothing more. There wasn’t much to talk anyway. They were all worried, but couldn’t put it in the words, sharing just weird looks and sighs.

When they finally arrived at Dan’s flat, Kyle ringed the bell and they all waited, shifting their positions awkwardly. When no one answered them after a short moment, Kyle furrowed his brows. 

“What the hell?” He murmured and stood closer to the door, trying to hear something from the inside of the flat.

When he heard muffled, short breaths and noise of uncontrolled vomiting, he was really worried. So worried that he quickly reached for his spare key to Dan’s flat, that he gave him so time ago.

“What are you doing?” Charlie asked, stepping closer to him.

“Something’s not right.” He answered and quickly opened the door with his key. He pushed it and stepped into the flat, looking around, his head automatically turning towards bathroom. The rest of the band joined him as he rushed to the room.

There was blood. A lot of blood. A path of huge blood stains leading from bedroom to bathroom’s closed door. Flowers covered the floor. Kyle had never seen so many of them. Blood daffodils and anemones were covering floor so much, so tighten and in such a number, that it was hard to walk. Everything looked like one bloody meadow.

They heard noise of vomiting from behind the door.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck…” Kyle chanted as he opened the door quickly, just to see Dan, kneeling next to the toilet, trying to vomit, but not being able to. 

He was crying, looking at them terrified and surprised. His breathing was quick and so shallow that Kyle wasn’t sure if there was any air entering his lungs. The whole toilet was painted in blood and flowers, petals falling on the floor and Dan’s hands. One of his hands was clutching the toilet seat, another one was gripping his throat, trying to massage it somehow.  
Dan looked exhausted, like he was about to faint.

There were flowers sticking out of Dan’s mouth, opening his lips and closing their view on his tongue. Daffodils and anemones, sticking out from under his teethes and from his throat, looking like they were going to make holes in his skin just to free themselves from Dan’s body. They were covered in blood and weird sputum.

Kyle felt like vomiting, but tried to hide it.

Next to the lavatory there was lying Dan’s phone, opened on Kyle’s number. Singer probably wanted to call for help but wasn’t able to make an actual call.  
Kyle was so thankful that he gave him his spare key such a long time ago.

“Fuck, Will, call doctor that we need help!” Woody was the first one to shake of the confusion. Will quickly did as he was told.

“He’s losing his breathing!” Charlie kneeled next to Dan, trying to check his breathing. Dan was looking like he was about to die there and then. 

Kyle stood there, still petrified, looking at the whole bathroom and Dan.

“Kyle, for fucks sake, move your ass! We have to get him to the car!” Woody shouted, grabbing Dan on one side. Kyle quickly followed him and helped him to raise Dan up. With help of Charlie opening doors before them, they managed to get Dan out of his flat.

“Are we supposed to pluck those flowers out?” Woody shouted to Will who was talking to the doctor. He asked him the question and then answered them. “No! He will bleed internally! You have to make room in them for him to breathe!”

“How the fuck are we supposed to do this?!” Charlie shouted at him as they were walking out of the building.

“We’re losing him!” Woody shouted, looking at Dan’s face. His eyes were closing.

Kyle wasn’t asking questions. He stopped and moved in front of Dan. Trying to be as careful as he could be, he tried to arrange and move flowers in such a position, that part of Dan’s throat would be open. There was blood everywhere, now on his hands too, but he didn’t care about that. He only cared about Dan’s life.

Dan started breathing more steadily again after a while. It was still shallow and quick, but he stayed awake and that was important, even if he didn’t say anything.

“The ambulance should be already here!” Will said, putting the phone away and rushing to the road, looking around. After few seconds they heard ambulance’s signal and just then they saw it. It stopped right next to them. Paramedics quickly took Dan to the back of it, thanking the band for taking a good care of him.  
It all happened so quickly that Kyle didn’t even know when he found himself entering the back of ambulance with Dan.

“We’ll follow you by car. Take care of him.” Woody said to him and doors closed, leaving Kyle with Dan and paramedic trying to steady his state.  
They were quickly driving to the hospital.

…

Everything was happening so quickly. One moment they were still driving and after few seconds he was already running after paramedics, trying to stay close to Dan, oh Dan, his sweet, dying Dan.  
Flowers were still sticking out of his mouth but he could speak. He was looking up at Kyle the whole time they were walking to the hospital, lying on the gurney.

“I’m sorry.” He said weakly and quietly. He was gripping Kyle’s hand, even though it was still covered in his own blood. The grip was so hard, so desperate, that it was hard to believe Dan was actually dying. He was so close to being already dead and he was still trying to stay as close to Kyle as he only could.

“Don’t be. At least you’re here now, you’re breathing and you’re going to get a surgery.” Kyle was saying quickly, desperately trying to tell Dan everything he wanted before paramedics will take him to the operating room.

Doctor Baker was waiting for them, ready for everything. When Kyle saw him, he turned his gaze at Dan.

“Ky…” Dan tried to say something, but he couldn’t. Kyle wasn’t sure if it was because of flowers or just his feelings. Nevertheless, he couldn’t say what he wanted to.  
Tears were streaming down Dan’s cheeks, finding their way across daffodils, anemones and blood. He looked terrifying, but Kyle didn’t care. He was crying too.

“Just… Please, live.” He said quickly, his words changing into a sob. He could kiss Dan now, right in the lips, but he couldn’t because of those fucking flowers. He would do this, just to give Dan some braveness, just to let him know that he cared, even if not in a romantic kind of way.  
He kissed him in the cheek, as close to the mouth as he only could.

“Mr. Simmons, we have to start the surgery.” Doctor Baker placed his hand on Kyle’s shoulder as paramedics took Dan to the operating room. Kyle watched him until door closed behind him.

“Of course.” He said, trying to stop crying. “Please, take good care of him.”

“We will. And you better go wash your hands.” Doctor said while walking to the operating room.

Kyle looked down at his hands, covered in Dan’s blood. With heavy, shaky steps he walked to the nearest chair and dropped himself on it. He placed his arms on his knees and covered his face with his hands, not caring about blood or anything around him. He sat them, bloody hands hiding him from the whole world.

His friends found him like that, after rushing inside the hospital.

“Damn, he's already having it?” Woody said after they entered the building. They all looked in Kyle’s direction.

“Hey, Kyle.” Will said quietly, kneeling next to him. “Fuck.”

Kyle was crying. It was obvious, because he was sobbing so much. But he couldn’t stop.

“It’s all because of me.” He said, revealing his face for them. He placed his arms on his knees and looked at the floor. His face was now slightly covered in blood to, but mostly in tears. “I don’t care what he says, it’s all my fault.”

“God, it’s not. It’s not anyone’s fault, Kyle.” Will answered, sighing. “Come here.” He kneeled closer to him and hugged him tightly. Kyle cried even much than before, pushing his face to Will’s shoulders, trying to cover himself with his own hair, anything, just to not be seen. His hands were clutching so hard to Will’s body he was afraid he might have left some bruises. But he just couldn’t stop crying.

“Let’s clean you up, okay?” Will said after his crying transformed into quiet sobs and he relaxed a little. Kyle nodded and followed him as Charlie and Woody stayed in the corridor.

…

They waited, even though the surgery went for so many hours they lost track. But it didn’t matter. The whole band stayed in the corridor, right next to the operating room, from time to time getting coffee and snacks from the vending machines.  
They occasionally raised their heads up at the sight of someone leaving the operating room. But people leaving it were mostly nurses that couldn’t actually tell them anything about Dan’s state.

Charlie had fallen asleep after three hours of waiting and no one woke him up. They all deserved rest.  
Kyle was drinking more coffee than ever before, just to stay awake, to stay focused. He only left the corridor few times for a cigarette, but nothing more.  
Will was constantly walking, more or less nervous. He felt like he left permanent boot prints on the corridor, he was wandering around it for such a long time.  
Woody just sat there, phoning everyone from time to time, informing them as best as they could about Dan’s state and the surgery, even if they didn’t know anything themselves. Some people, mostly from the team or related to the band wanted to come to the hospital, but he advised them against it. He even told Christine it would be better if she stayed home. They didn’t want to make a sudden crowd in the hospital.

Some nurse told them that they could go to their homes and they would inform them when the surgery will end. But they didn’t want to listen to her. They politely declined and said that they will stay, no matter how many times it will take.

People were rushing through the corridor, nurses, patients and people visiting their family and friends. But band still stayed at the same place, waiting for a verdict about their singer, about their best friend.

And it came, after a long time of waiting.

When Doctor Baker finally came out of the operating room, everyone looked at him and Woody woke Charlie up. Everyone either rushed to him or straightened up on their seats. Obviously Kyle was the one who stood up and came closer to the Doctor.  
They didn’t say anything. Just waited.

Doctor Baker looked at all of them and sighed.  
“I’m going to be honest with you all. It was late. Too late for this surgery to go well. He was really close to dying, he should have made the decision long time ago.” He coughed and continued after few seconds. “There was so many flowers that it was a hard and long job to get rid of them.”

“We get it, but how is he?” Kyle didn’t have enough time, he needed to know.

“He’s alive.” Doctor answered and everyone sighed with relieve. Until Doctor started talking again. “But there were complications. Dangerous ones, mostly because of how developed the illness was.”

“What complications?” Will asked.

…

He woke up mostly because of pain and emptiness. He felt so empty, like something that was part of his body left him and didn’t do it in peace. It only left pain and weird absence behind it.

Flowers.

Opening his eyes was weird and hard. He felt like he was sleeping for days, like he was partly dead. But he could breathe. He was doing it with a little help from oxygen cannula, but as far as he remembered, it was a miracle he was still breathing at all. 

He remembered what happened. He remembered seeing flowers sticking out of his mouth in the mirror. He remembered not being able to breathe or vomit properly, not being able to get rid of those damn flowers. He remembered trying to pluck them out, just to see more of them, bloodier, more deadly.

He remembered being taken to the operating room. He remembered Kyle, kissing him.

When his eyes got used to the light, he saw four figures, standing or sitting next to him. The whole band was in the room. After a moment, he heard Kyle’s voice.  
“God, you’re awake. We were so worried.” Kyle was smiling. But he was also crying. Why was he crying?

God, he loved him. Now that he was looking at him, he remembered that too. He loved this man, this precious, amazing man. But he couldn’t remind himself for what. Why he loved him? He didn’t feel it. It only gave him another feeling of emptiness, like something was ripped from him, right with those flowers. Like his heart was taken from him.

He cleared his throat, trying to get his voice used to speaking again, to actually function.  
Kyle, hearing that, sobbed.  
Everyone looked devastated.

He wanted to ask why, why they all looked like this. Everything worked out. He was alive, he was well, nothing was wrong.

But he couldn’t say anything.

Not a single word came out of his mouth. Not after the first try, not after a tenth.  
Nothing.  
He was silent, only weird noises escaped his throat and mouth.

He brought his hands to his throat, hoping that it could help.

“Doctor told us about… complications…” Will started talking, looking at Dan with sadness painted on his face. “While removing the flowers, they damaged your…”

Dan, already knowing what he was about to say, started crying. He couldn’t speak, only quiet sobs and weird noises escaped his mouth.

“…vocal chords.”

No, that couldn’t be true. It wasn’t possible. 

“He said that maybe you’ll be able to whisper someday, maybe even to speak, but…”

Why? It didn’t only take his feelings. It took something else, something so important to him, the whole point of his live, what he was living for.  
It took everything from him.

“…you will never sing again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I truly am.  
> I always wanted to end it this way, there's no point in denying it.  
> I'm sorry if this kind of ending didn't fit your preferences, especially after so much time waiting for it.  
> But this is how I end it.
> 
> But, on a more positive note, I want to write a short epilogue for this. Nothing long, just one, maybe two chapters.
> 
> Thank you all for reading this, even though my style was probably a pain in the ass sometimes. Thank you for waiting so long for every single one of those chapters. Thank you for leaving kudos and comments. 
> 
> I feel like this story was a big thing for me. It was my first long thing written in English and it taught me a lot about looking stuff up and building characters and atmosphere. I hope you can see how dramatic I wanted it to be.
> 
> Please, let me know what you think in the comments!  
> Thank you again for reading!
> 
> ...  
> Just wanted to mention: Watching Bohemian Rhapsody really inspired me to finally finish this story, so I named it after one of my favourite Queen's song. As a tribute and because it fitted so much.


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